J.J. Abrams announced today that Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer has been cast in the next “Star Wars” movie as a Sith Lord called, Darth Nose.
Rudolph As Darth Nose, Dark Lord Of The Sith
“It’s gonna be great when Darth Nose fights the older, wiser Luke Skywalker,” said Abrams. “Luke will be physically over matched by the Sith Lord, but will use his great wit, like a self-awarded Nobel Prize winner ripping on conspiracy theorists, to mock the Dark Lord into submission. Luke will repeatedly make fun of Darth Nose’s name, saying things like, ‘If you have a question, ask Darth. He NOSE everything,’ and ‘Who NOSE what evil lurks in hearts of men? Darth NOSE!’ It’ll be hilarious and poignant at the same time. I’m ecstatic, also, that we got Rudolph to play the part because, not only will it save us over a million dollars not having to put a CGI nose on a regular reindeer, Rudolph is one of the finest actors working today. I saw his Hamlet last year, and it was so brilliant I literally wept, openly, freely and often. Now, if I can just get Santa to play a Jedi Master, I’ll have my whole cast set. Santa was in a version of ‘King Lear’ recently, and I simply do not have enough superlatives to describe his performance. In my honest opinion, no one will be able to play Lear again after that. It was truly THAT amazing. So cross your fingers for me, cause I’m meeting with him tomorrow about the movie. I’ll certainly let everyone know what comes of it. Until then, May the Force Be With You.”
Shakespeare As Grand Moff Tarkin
In news that can only be called miraculous, Disney has had Shakespeare, yes, THAT Shakespeare, brought back from the dead to aid director J.J. Abrams in rewriting the screen play for the highly anticipated, “Star Wars Episode 7.” “I do not have a fucking clue as to how they pulled this off,” said a happy Abrams today. “But Will and I have bonded like a couple of old college buddies, and the script we’re writing is FUCKING AMAZING!!!!! Shakespeare is not only an amazing writer, he’s funny as hell and a HUGE Star Wars fan. He was dressed as Grand Moff Tarkin when I first was introduced to him, actually. My understanding is, now that Disney has broken the bank on bringing Will back, they’re going to get all they can outta this. Shakespeare is lined up to write the scripts for ” Nemo: A Fish Outta Water” and “Snow White vs The Lion King”, two films coming out in 2015. For me, this is an opportunity I never thought anyone could possibly ever have, so I’m honored and thrilled to actually be doing it.”
Shakespeare Is Really Pissed At Mumford And Sons
An angry Shakespeare called the British folk band, Mumford and Sons, plagiarizers and sons-of-bitches this morning from his home in Elysium. “This is ridiculous,” The Bard proclaimed, while chewing on a big-ass piece of bubble gum. “They took the words to MY song, ‘Sigh No More’, from MY play, ‘Much Ado About Nothing’, and put them in a money-making song they claim is “theirs”! Fuck that! I’m a business man above and foremost. It’s not OK to steal my shit and profit from it without giving me a cut. Did they think because I’m living on another plane of existence I wouldn’t find out, eventually? Plagiarizing pricks! Write your own fucking lyrics to your own fucking songs or pay me for using mine! I’m going to sue them. I’m going to sue them for everything they have and make them dance naked in front of me while they beg forgiveness from me. Then I’ll throw rotten veggies at them and laugh! Bastards! How dare they do this!? I can assure you this: They’ll wish they never heard the name William Shakespeare by the time I’m done with ’em!”
Shakespeare Writing An Insulting Letter To Marlowe Questioning His Sexuality
I’ve been getting angry lately because whenever my great admiration of Shakespeare seems to come up in conversation, the response I almost always get back is that “some experts” now believe Shakespeare actually did not write Shakespeare, as if somehow this shocking revelation had previously been unknown to me. I’m not asked why I think Shakespeare is brilliant, or how many years it is I’ve studied and read his work. No. Most people I’ve spoken to about Shakespeare of late are convinced an authorship conspiracy exists, and that it is of utmost importance this fact be believed by anyone they tell it to. I’ve been looked at as if I’m several brain cells short of being a human vegetable when I say I do not see any credible evidence supporting such a belief. Ironically, many of these people have never read or even seen a Shakespeare play performed. And several couldn’t name more than 1 or 2 of his plays when asked. What a shame it’s this idiotic conspiracy nonsense that draws the focus of so many people today unfamiliar with Shakespeare and not an eagerness to understand why he is considered to be the greatest writer in the English language. Bullshit conspiracies that require nothing but a narcissistic belief in one’s own overblown sense of self are easier to grasp than “Hamlet”, I suppose.
The only evidence which exists (evidence that for 250 -300 years no one saw any need to question) of who wrote the works of Shakespeare is that Shakespeare wrote them, though not always alone. It has become well accepted by most Shakespearean scholars today that some of Shakespeare’s plays were written in collaboration with other writers. “Titus Andronicus” and “Henry the 8th” are two which come to mind. This means that the collaborators would have had to agree to hide the real Shakespeare’s identity too. Why? Really, why? Here is an excellent article from 2005 which illustrates my view on this matter and why I no longer think it is acceptable to simply ignore this issue, as I did for decades hoping it would just fade away.
While an inquisitive mind and a willingness to sometimes look outside the box are skills every good scholarly skeptic needs, the first and foremost job of any good scientist is to find evidence supporting a hypothesis which can withstand hard, logical scrutiny from those who question its validity before one can begin to form a theory based on that hypothesis. The hypothesis that someone other than Shakespeare HAD to have written Shakespeare hasn’t produced any such evidence. Evidence that some of his last plays and a few of his very first ones having been written in collaboration with other writers does exist. This proves to nullify any authorship controversy for me completely.
Lastly, as much as I love and value Shakespeare, in the grand scheme of the Elizabethan and our current world, he just wasn’t and isn’t important enough to forge a hidden author conspiracy over. Really, Shakespeare was an actor and a play write like Quintin Tarantino is a screen writer and a director today. As much as I love and admire them both, and as great a loss as it would be to the world to have never had Shakespeare’s works to show us what it is to be truly human, the fucking stability of the cosmos does not rest on his or any artist’s works having ever existed at all. It just isn’t that fucking important. Really, it isn’t. Think about it.