Most people are familiar with many of the sayings attributed to Jesus found in the bible. However, there are many other sayings of Jesus in the bible that very few people, probably only me, know about. Here are but a few.
1.) “And Christ said unto the woman at the cleaners, ‘Look, Ms. Hecklenjoker, I told you last time, you’re using too much starch in my shirts. They’re giving me a rash when I wear them. Please take these back and redo them. I’ve got a wedding to go to on Sunday (God, I hope they’ve got enough wine for it. I LOVE wine) so I’d appreciate it if you did this by tomorrow. OK?'” Matthew 8: 14-17
2.) “Then Christ said to Peter, “Peter, this is most likely the LAST supper we will ever have together. Are you certain you don’t want to share that last piece of pie with me?'” Mark 9: 23-24
3.) “While he was in Heaven awaiting his return to life after being crucified, Jesus said to the young woman seated next to him in the movie theater, ‘So, your name’s Mary, eh? I like that name. I also find you to be very beautiful. I know a great little Mexican place located about 6 blocks west of the Pearly Gates. I have some people to WOW back on Earth with my resurrection in a day or so, but when I get back, how’s about you and I go have a burrito and a few margaritas there together? Gimme your cell, and I’ll text you when I’m back.'” John 3: 21-24
4.) “While walking around Galilee with his apostles, Christ suddenly grabbed his foot in pain and shouted, ‘Son of a f%ckin’ donkey! A god d%mned stone got into my sandal and cut my foot! These Roman made sandals are for sh%t! I’m taking these back and from now on, I’m only buying sandals made by Jewish shoe cobblers. The quality is, by far, superior to this Roman sh%t!'” Luke 2: 45-47
5.) “After raising Lazarus from the dead, Christ said unto him, ‘HOLY F%CKIN’ SH%T! I really didn’t think this was actually going to work! WTF do I do now?! Lazarus, my friend, (Damn, bro, you stink) I’m sorry, but you’re on your own. I mean, ya’ got, like, body parts startin’ to fall off, and ya’ got maggots crawlin’ all over you! I don’t know, take a shower or somethin’ an go see a doctor. Maybe he can sew you together. See ya’ around, pal. I gotta run, very fast and very far.'” Mark 5: 38-40
The Arm Chair Pontificator 
I find #2 to be quite enlightening. It assumes that nothing in this world is as important as pie. I want pie.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Ya’ gotta love pie!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am here to confirm that as a disciple of Jesus, these verses are authentic.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks.
LikeLike
Starch doesn’t go in, it goes on. Which also happens to be the Republican defence to rape allegations 😀
LikeLiked by 2 people
Well, see, that Jesus fella doesn’t know EVERYTHING! (Neither do Republicans, but don’t tell them that. They’ll cry.)
LikeLiked by 2 people
And this is true, too
LikeLiked by 5 people
Love it!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nice work jeff. You nailed it, and him, and her.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Like the carpenter once said to the wooden plank, “I do like to nail things.”
LikeLiked by 2 people
I want a copy of this ACP (Arm Chair Pontificator) Bible! Where can I find/buy one!? I want to become holier like 2-ft midget wielding lightening rod! 🤩😇
LikeLiked by 2 people
I ain’t done writing it yet. I’m still being inspired by an un-falsifiable, omniscient being who’s obviously “out” there, and those who think otherwise are wrong. 🙂
LikeLiked by 3 people
Ahhh, and I can see that you are also like He who is un-falsifiable… very Omnikinetic! As in verbally UN-ENDING! 😒 😄
LikeLiked by 1 person
$Amen$
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are a Genius. I never thought of what happened for the two days between hanging on cross and getting all resurrected again. He took a weekend off and vacationed heaven. Outstanding post . Hugs
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thanks. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Who would’ve known? That Hay-soos guy sure is one complicated fellow!
LikeLiked by 3 people
Isn’t he.
LikeLiked by 1 person