10.) Always shop on the Wednesday after Thanksgiving, not Black Friday. There are fewer people shopping then, and all the same sales are still in place.
09.) I ordered this steak well done. Take it back and do it right or I’ll turn you into a toad. Naw, stop shakin’. I’m just f**kin’ with ya’.
08.) Yes, I was the one who allowed the Cubs to win the World Series in 2016.
07.) If anyone spoils the plot to the new Star Wars movie for me before I see it, I’m sending ’em straight to Hell.
06.) Donald Trump was my Pop’s idea of a mean joke. I’ve had about enough of it already. You?
05.) No matter what you’ve read or where you’ve read it, snakes do not, can not, and never did, talk.
04.) If your father ever asks you to be crucified so that other people’s sins can be forgiven, tell ’em to go f**k himself.
03.) Churches would be far holier if they actually paid taxes.
02.) If anyone sees Lazarus walking about, tell him to pay me the 60 grand he owes me. What, did you think I brought people back from the dead for free?
01.) Wish I could tell y’all otherwise, but having lots of money really does make life much easier.
The Arm Chair Pontificator 
I think Jesus owes Lazarus the 60 grand. He acted the part of being dead so Jesus would look cool and he hasn’t honoured his end of the bargain
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I agree.
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11) Contrary to what many bible bangers think, I don’t want Alabama or Auburn to win the National Championship.
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We need an all Muslim team from California to win. That’d piss off the bible-thumpers and make Jesus grin. 🙂
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Excellent stuff Jeff! However, respectfully 😛 there are actually ONE HUNDRED I say 100 “Lesser Known Sayings of Christ“!!! How and WHY did you only choose these ten??? Did you forget or ignore those other 90 on purpose? Was their something fishy 🐟 about those other 90? Or is this… ummm, your (emphasis on YOUR!) “Canon” of sayings? 😉 😈
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Oh, there’s more to come. Stay tuned. 🙂
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…and I was so damn elated when the Cubbies won the WS. Now I just feel like I need to shower.
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I’m still elated. Once every 108 years whether we want it or not, the Cubs will win the World Series.
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When you have a chance could you document where you found these sayings?This is a terrific addition to Christian education.
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They came to me in a divine dream. 🙂
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Today’s god fearing, money hungry, sexual assault condoning “Christians” really have found a Christ guy to follow. Too bad the one who was crucified didn’t make it back.
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The Christian right sure are a despicable group of people, are they not.
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$60,000 for resurrection. Sounds fair.
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I think so, too.
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“Churches would be far holier if they actually paid taxes.”
Tax the churches! And while we’re at it, make them stay out of politics or close shop!
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$Amen$
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#9 and #6 reinforce my belief that god and hay-soose are jerks.
#4 reminds me of an old classic Cheech & Chong comedy routine about the Japanese near the end of WWII (paraphrased from memory):
ADMIRAL: The American fleet is massive. In order to defend our Emperor and nation, a new strategy is needed. You are ordered to fly your Mitsubishi A6M “Zero” fighter high over the approaching enemy fleet… and dive straight down into their large aircraft carriers killing you and everyone aboard. Are there any questions?
[a young kamikaze pilot stands up]
ADMIRAL: Yes, lieutenant.
KAMIKAZE PILOT: Honorable admiral-san.. YOU OUTTA YOU FUCKIN’ MIND?!!!
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Awesome. Those guys were a riot.
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Did Christ, when hacked off, ever utter the words “Me Almighty!” Just wondered.
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When he blesses himself he says, “In the name of Me, Me, and Me. Amen”
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Bloody sexist. What about the Awomen?
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She’s too smart to get involved in silly crap like this. 🙂
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😀
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Great post. I think 6 is divinely inspired. Hugs
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It was.
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Brought a smile to my face! ;o)
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Good to hear that. 🙂
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