11.05.17
by

A Brief Word From Jesus

Jesus

Hey all, Jesus here.   Every now and then I feel compelled to stop by and point out some of the ridiculous misconceptions people have developed about me over the millennia.   First of all, I’m NOT a Northern, European white dude with blue eyes.  I’m black and I’m proud, folks.  Get it right.  Please.   And WTF’s up with Catholic priests molesting kids and the Church covering for them?  Where in My Own Name did you all get the idea that that’s OK?  STOP IT!!!  Man, that sh*t disgusts me.   Also, what’s with the weird outfits most priests wear?  You folks turn me into a white dude in your representations of me, then dress in black outfits to…what…morn the fact you’ve tried to steal my ethnicity from me?  Cut it out, already.   Just wear some decent leisure clothes and stop raping kids, and you’ll come across just fine.   Is that too hard to do?

Lastly, for now, let me address young earth creationists and others who take the Bible literally.  ARE YOU NUTS?!  It’s 2017 for My Own sake!  Get a f**kin’ education.  Yeah, it’s hard.   Yeah, it takes time and great effort, and yes, you’re going to learn that sometimes your opinions on things are not only wrong but outright ludicrous, but in the end, you’ll be glad you did it.  Your overwhelming sense of self-righteousness in the face of a plethora of evidence showing you just how wrong your bronze-age beliefs are will be replaced with the calm, reassuring knowledge that no, we don’t have all the answers to life’s big questions but we’re good people anyway and lucky to be alive.   It’s easier to live that way.  OK?  Now, bugger off.  It’s Sunday, and I’ve got to decide which American football teams I want to win today.

16 thoughts on “A Brief Word From Jesus”

  1. Now that Jesus I could start to like a bit. Well, until he tells me I have to worship him. That is more than I’d ever allow anybody to force me to do. Rather go my own way than follow any guru/etc..
    I may be going to hell in a bucket, but at least I am enjoying the ride.

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  3. Nope! Nope! Nope! Jesus doesn’t know what he’s talking about because I have it on good authority that Jesus IS a ‘white’ guy who invented the parasol and therefore, kept his skin from tanning while walking everywhere in the hot sun!

    Why Jesus thinks he’s not white is because, according to GOD, Jesus is still recovering from a serious head injury. And you know how he got that! LOL!!

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  5. We, here on earth, have got it all under control and don’t need you disrupting it. We’ll call if we need you. That’s all for now but I’m looking to watch the football game of whatever teams employs Colin Kaepernick. Maybe the NFL is actually paying attention.

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  6. I really like this — … we don’t have all the answers to life’s big questions but we’re good people anyway …

    AWomen to that! Thank you, Jesus. 😉

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  7. Hey Geez, how come you didn’t know, when you went to eat figs from that tree (as told in Mark 12-14 and 20-23), that figs were not in season? Pissed you off, didn’t it?

    But, instead of absorbing the agricultural education presented, you cursed the tree and made it die, didn’t you? And then you made up some lame excuse that you were trying to teach a lesson about how we could tell mountains to go jump in the sea, didn’t you?

    WTF? Wouldn’t it have been a far better lesson if you simply made that damned tree sprout figs right in front of everyone’s eyes? Have I got to do everything for you?

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    • Yeah, fig trees. Jesus hates f**kin’ fig trees. He fell outta one as a kid and can’t get over it. How it was the tree’s fault that he fell out of it is beyond me, but if I were a fig tree, I’d stay the hell away from J.C.

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  8. Yo! Jesus! Yeshua! What happened to all your hair!!!? 😮

    Btw, don’t forget to remind all your faithful minions to remember all the OTHER historical “Sons of God Almighty” with just as much godly audacity and they have millions of faithful minions too that are just as misguided, mythological, and self-righteously abusive! Got it!? Get it right Dude! $Amen$ 😉 😛

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