10.) British people speak English, but they sound really, really weird doing it. Americans speak it as it should be spoken: correctly.
9.) British people foolishly call flashlights “torches”. This is not only incorrect, it’s dangerous. Who the hell keeps a lit torch burning in a drawer just in case of a power outage? Idiots with funny accents, that’s who.
8.) British people drive on the wrong side of the road. Again, this is as stupid as it is dangerous. If the Brits can’t learn to drive on the correct side of the road, they shouldn’t be driving at all.
7.) The British are constantly sticking their noses into the business of other countries, often telling them what to do and how to do it. America would never do that. Not only is it wrong, it’s flat-out not nice. America is always nice.
6.) Brits call soccer “football”. Are you kidding me? This is insane! Soccer is NOT football. If the British can’t learn to call sports by their correct name, they shouldn’t be allowed to play them. Americans would NEVER confuse soccer with football. Crazy!
5.) In Briton, they practice an untrue form of Christianity. This is insulting to Jesus, and the millions of true Christians who make up the backbone of American society. If the Brits don’t want to burn forever in hell, they’d better learn to be real Christians and give up that nonsense they practice. Jesus is watching you, people.
4.) England is an island. America is a COUNTRY! Deal with it you British fools!
3.) British citizens do not have the constitutionally guaranteed right to own and carry firearms. Americans do. This is why America is a ludicrously safe place to live. Some fool tries to rob an American with a gun and BANG! we shoot the bastard dead. Brits can’t do that. That’s why so many of them are killed daily by bad hombres with guns.
2.) The Brits call french fries “chips”. Seriously? Are you f$$kin’ kidding me? A french fry is NOT a f$$ckin’ “chip”. Jesus! Once again, if Brits can’t learn the difference between a fry and a chip, they should not be allowed to have either. Just stick with salads. Hard to call those by the wrong name.
1.) Briton lost the Revolutionary War. We won it. Thus, America is superior to Briton. This is an inerrant, inarguable fact. Deal with it.
The Arm Chair Pontificator 
😂 Looooove this!
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🙂
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I live with an Englishwoman from Cambridge. Hence, I am reading this while she is at work.
Loved it! (some ammo for me) Thanks for that.
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You bet!
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Oh thank you for this list. I am still laughing hard from reading this. I really needed a good laugh this morning.
IF us ‘Merikkkans ever wanted a real stick and ball sport, we’d get permission from Oz to play Aussie Rules football. Now THAT is a game I can watch. Takes real men to play that game. NO pads, well, they allow ears muffs of a sort for some players and the odd knee brace, arm brace, all of which appear on TV, when you can find it here in ‘Merikkka, to be the flex type like the stuff we see in TV adverts for Copper fit.
Oh, the Brits gave the world Monty Python, so they are better at some things worth watching. The films, “Life of Brian”, Monty Python and theQuest for the Holy Grail”, and “The Meaning of Life” and far superior to any comedy ever made by Hollyweird. Just my 2 cents, adjusted for inflation, now worth about $0.0001362963
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Monty Python are GODS to me. I watch each of the movies you mentioned at least once a year. Don’t tell anyone I said this, but the Brits are SO much better at satire than we ‘Muricans are, even if they do talk funny. (They’re also so much better at performing Shakespeare than we ‘Muricans, most likely because Will S was one of those ungodly bastards. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by.
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Too funny! And believe me, I thought I had lost my sense of humor. Thank you for finding it for me!
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Gotta love those “funny” talkin’ Brits, eh? 🙂
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Indeed! Folks are absolutely thrilled when I mimic the Brits accent. It seems that southern people have a natural flare for mimicking that particular accent. And apparently, I do it so well. LOL!
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The accents in many parts of the US south are derivative of various British accents from when folks moved there from Briton and settled back in the day. Not that they’re “southern” exactly, but folks native to the Appalachian Mountains are said to speak with an accent similar to the one Shakespeare had back in Queen Lizzy’s day. Linguistics is a fascinating field of study. 🙂
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We won in 1812.
And we’re smart ‘cas we don’t have a written constitution. So if anyone gets difficult they can’t go weaselling off amongst the semi-colons and go whinging about ‘it being unconstitutional’, we just lock ’em up!
All this fuss just because you didn’t want our tea!
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1812? That’s fake news! See, our President teaches us if you don’t like something, say it’s fake and it’ll go away. He can’t possibly be wrong about something like that. He’s such a smart bloke about everything else.
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But my dear sir, as far as we can tell you simply do not have a president, merely some questionable entrepreneur who has stolen into the Whitehouse on a minority of the voting population. He’s hardly someone able to uphold the dignity of the office.
He makes George W Bush seem positively Rooseveltian.
And our Brexit calamity an exercise in rationale and logic.
I simply must have another cup of tea.
Good evening to you sir.
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Sorry, all you’ve said is FAKE NEWS!!! See how easy that is. Boy, I’ve learned SO much from Traitor Don. 🙂
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Wait until NASA tries to explain to him how the world is round.🙄
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NASA? FAKE!!! Not a real organization. FAKE!!
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Ah I see. So since this is all Fake, and presumably Fake to discredit The Administration by lies and deceit. Now since fellow who claims to be president and makes incorrect statements in public such as Puerto Rico not being part of the USA is obviously making the Administration look foolish it would suggest he is part of the scheme and thus Fake himself?
Hmmm?
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Very. He’s also an asshole. 🙂
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Agreed, he certainly gives the impression of most of his pronouncements coming from that particular area of the body
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🙂
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Fake news! 1812? Laughing out loud!
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And we suffer in between
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I suffer in between bouts of suffering these days. Da wurld iz FUCKED, brother!
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Being British meself, and a staunch footy supporter I fookin’ know us Brits is fookin’ betterer than wot you Yanks is.
And we have better rain than you fookin’ Yanks, too.
An’ there’s a fookin’ ton of other stuff we’re better’n you lot. Includin’ fookin’ chips, from proper chippys. And if I ever move back there I’ll bet I’ll fookin’ remember what they are.
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Yer probably fookin’ right there, mate.
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Rule, Britannia!
Britannia, rule the waves
Britons never, never, never shall be slaves.
God save the Queen!
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She ain’t no human bein’!
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One of your best! I smiled and snickered through it all. Especially like this line: This is why America is a ludicrously safe place to live. Oh yes! Absolutely! You most definitely nailed it!
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:). Had to write something lighter after my tRump rant.
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If we are so far superior to the Brits, why then are they always getting the narrating jobs? Inquiring minds want to know dammit!
I swear I can’t turn on the TV for a British accent always going on about something. Let’s get those jobs to the Mericans! We’re #1, we’re #1, why isn’t tRump taking on this important issue?
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True. I’ll write tRump an email about this. He’s been busy though meeting with the president of the Virgin Islands. Idiot!
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I believe that if the space you Occupy is free from toxic gases then that your space
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Well, I fart a lot, so my space is usually not free of toxic gas. However, it’s still my space because no one else seems to want to share it with me.
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