Ask A Cadaver

Dear Cadaver, I’ve got a bit of a conundrum I hope you can help me with.  See, this Friday, I’ve several guests coming to the Vatican for a party.  My understanding is some of these guests are vegan and others are red meat lovers.  What in the name of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ am I to serve them for dinner?  I don’t wish to offend the vegans by having red, cooked meat dripping delicious juices right next to a meatless eggplant parmesan.  I’m simply LOSING MY MIND OVER THIS!  What do you suggest I do?  Thank you, and may God bless you, Pope Francis, Vatican City, Italy

 

My dearest Pope Francis, thanks for the question.  Being a cadaver, I can readily understand your problem in dealing with dinner guests with varying palates.  You see, some people actually find my very presence at the dinner table, any dinner table, to be appalling.  “This f**kin’ dude is dead,” I often hear. “How in f**k’s name do you expect me to eat next to a decaying dead guy?  He f**kin’ SMELLS.”  The deep emotional pain these types of statements cause me is indescribable.  I’ve learned over the years, Pope Francis, that there’s no way to please everyone who’ll be at your dinner party.  Thus, I suggest you simply do what I do: serve whatever the f**k you want, and, if anyone complains about it and hurts your feelings,  puke up a handful of maggots and toss them on the table.  I f**kin’ guarantee you the last friggin’ thing your guests will be worried about after that is what’s for supper or whether or not their host is a cadaver.  I hope you find this advice helpful.  Yours in good health, a Cadaver

Advertisements

19 thoughts on “Ask A Cadaver

  1. Dear Cad

    failing that, invite Eskimos. They’ll sort out the maggots in no time and provide fertile grounds for conversation.

    If you ask the Pope nicely he might serve up some wine and bikkies but you’ll have to guzzle quickly before it transubstantiates into something not often found on western palates these days.

    Yours with teeth

    Argus

    Like

  2. I rarely say this or use this word. Genius!

    hahahahaha!!! Exactly what I needed to read. You’ve redefined something of the orthodox of religion.

    Like

  3. Hahahaha! This totally redefines societal orthodoxy — one size (Jesus the cadaver) fits all. Everybody fall inline and pretend to be unified! HAH!!!

    Like

  4. Just pray the food doesn’t talk to you

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’ve been to dinner parties where I’ve felt like a cadaver.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Good advice. I wonder if he gets many repeat visitors for meals. Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.