5 Things I’ve Tried To Do That Didn’t Pan Out

1.)Ā  I attempted to collude with Russia to become Mayor of Chicago, but, since Putin did not return my phone calls, it didn’t pan out.

2.) I tried to have conjugal visits with several women in the Cook County prison system, but, since none of them knew who I was, it didn’t pan out.

3.) I auditioned to become an internet porn star, but, because I refused to remove my clothes, it didn’t pan out.

4.) I tried to set a record time of 43 minutes in a local marathon, but, because I did the course in my car, it didn’t pan out.

5.) I attempted to become the first Jewish, Asian, Pope in the history of the Catholic Church, but, because I’m not Jewish, Asian, or a Catholic, it didn’t pan out.

 

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16 thoughts on “5 Things I’ve Tried To Do That Didn’t Pan Out

  1. Bummer, dude.

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  2. You need freewill.
    You can do whatever you want with it

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  3. I tried calling Putin once, I got the damnable automated call answering robot. It went like “If your name is Trump, or are associated with his White House circle, press 1.” If you are a journalist press 2 for the KGB.” If you are a anti Russian political opponent stay on the line and the KGB will come to you.”

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  4. Chin up, the day of the gay, black, nuclear powered harp seals is coming, mark my work. You’re going to be a star!

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  5. Dang but that Putin is as hard ass as the nobel prize committee. You will have to put these people in their place soon. Hugs

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  6. Damn, dude, I think you need a new pan!

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