5 Things I’ve Tried To Do That Didn’t Pan Out

1.)  I attempted to collude with Russia to become Mayor of Chicago, but, since Putin did not return my phone calls, it didn’t pan out.

2.) I tried to have conjugal visits with several women in the Cook County prison system, but, since none of them knew who I was, it didn’t pan out.

3.) I auditioned to become an internet porn star, but, because I refused to remove my clothes, it didn’t pan out.

4.) I tried to set a record time of 43 minutes in a local marathon, but, because I did the course in my car, it didn’t pan out.

5.) I attempted to become the first Jewish, Asian, Pope in the history of the Catholic Church, but, because I’m not Jewish, Asian, or a Catholic, it didn’t pan out.


16 thoughts on “5 Things I’ve Tried To Do That Didn’t Pan Out

  1. You need freewill.
    You can do whatever you want with it


  2. I tried calling Putin once, I got the damnable automated call answering robot. It went like “If your name is Trump, or are associated with his White House circle, press 1.” If you are a journalist press 2 for the KGB.” If you are a anti Russian political opponent stay on the line and the KGB will come to you.”


  3. Chin up, the day of the gay, black, nuclear powered harp seals is coming, mark my work. You’re going to be a star!


  4. Dang but that Putin is as hard ass as the nobel prize committee. You will have to put these people in their place soon. Hugs


  5. Damn, dude, I think you need a new pan!


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