‘Lil Hands, Iowa. In stunning news today, even for the Trump White House, President Trump announced he has fired his daughter Ivanka from the job of being his daughter, supposedly over “creative differences,” and replaced her with former New York City Mayor, Rudy Giuliani. “I’m both honored and flattered that President Trump has decided to hire me as his new daughter,” Giuliani said earlier. “I’ve always dreamed of a day when I might be a blushing wife married to a handsome man like Jared Kushner. I promise to be as faithful and honest to him as I will be to my new pops, Donald Trump. Ivanka was a beautiful woman, but, apparently, she was not a very loyal daughter, a mistake I vow never to make. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to pick out a dress to wear tonight. I’m having dinner with Donald and Melania and I want to look my best!” *As a side note, Jared Kushner has thus far refused to comment on this stupendously unusual occurrence.