Things I Shouldn’t Have Done At the Zoo

1.) Fed the elephants laxative laced peanuts.

2.) Dressed like Batman; hung upside down with the fruit bats in their enclosure, and screamed, “STOP FUCKIN’ LOOKIN’ AT ME, GOD DAMN IT!” at the people looking into the enclosure.

3.) Juggled black mamba snakes after releasing them from their habitat.

4.) Released a mound of fire ants onto a bus loaded with senior citizens on a field trip.

5.) Jumped into the gorilla habitat and started a wrestling match with a massive, alpha male mountain gorilla.

6.) Painted the black stripes on the zebras white, glued horns onto their heads, and put a “Unicorns” sign on their enclosure.

7.) Taught the squirrel monkeys how to give people the finger after sticking it up their butts.

8.) Given the rhinos vodka enemas.

9.) Attempted to put the hippos into bright red one-sies.

10.) Released the hissing cockroaches into the zoo cafeteria during lunch.

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36 thoughts on “Things I Shouldn’t Have Done At the Zoo

  1. It’s fucking good to see you never lose your sense of humour – no matter what kind of shit might be happening in the world

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Naughty, naughty. But painting the zebras and making them unicorns was brilliant! The kids will be thrilled.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Yeah, I guess you shouldn’t have done those things!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I think you should have done #6. It would put the unicorn identify to rest

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I just can’t figure out why people like Pence and those other pricks at the WH have such hatred towards gay people that they feel good about a petty shitlicking move like omitting a gay guys name on a picture. What are they afraid of? Are their weiners that small? Angry hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Pence is, without doubt, a raging, closeted homosexual. The boy loves penis: big penises in his Christian mouth and mangina. However, this is not something Repukelicans would openly support so he hides behind his sick-ass Christian agenda, like all the homosexual Repukes do. The cowardS! Pence, to me, is the lowest type of human in existence. I HATE the bastard!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Perfect, I love it. It would make a great movie. Maybe adam sandler? Well how ever you want, it is your blockbuster summer hit. Hey who won the wrestling match? Are you the new Alpha? That means you get first pick of all the she gorillas right? Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  7. You really do deserve a Nobel for the titles alone.

    Liked by 1 person

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