Never in history has a self-awarded Nobel Prize winner been more persecuted than I. For four years now the Nobel Prize Committee has outright refused to acknowledge my self-awarded prize. They turn me away when I drop by their homes unannounced, and they threaten me with legal action when I run naked through their children’s schools carrying a sign that reads, “Fuck The Nobel Prize Committee And Their Kids!”
They’ve now stepped up their game of intimidation against me by sending drones to spy on me. It was bad enough when they asked the FBI to appoint a special prosecutor to look into my repeated prank phone calls to Committee members and their families, but sending spy drones to follow me day and night is something I simply will not sit still for. Until the Committee stops this harassment of me and recognizes my self-awarded Nobel Prize, I will make it my life’s duty to have pizza’s delivered to their homes that they didn’t order and whine like a spoiled brat to the media about how awful they are to me every chance I get. This IS going end, you stinking bastards, and it’s going to end with me getting the recognition from you I deserve. You can count on it!
Well, on second thought, maybe it won’t work out. But that’s OK because, if it doesn’t, I can always become POTUS. Americans will elect anyone these days.