04.03.17
by

Ask A Fetus

Dear Fetus, I’ve a serious problem I hope you can help me with. There’s a group of young ruffian kids who constantly run all over my lawn and tear it up. I’ve yelled at them; set bear traps to catch and seriously injure them, and fired multiple rounds of buck shot at them, all to no avail. They mock me with their very existence, and, if they do not stop tearing up my lawn, I will completely lose every shred of sanity I have left. Is there any advice you can give me to stop this unbearable torture I endure a few days out of every summer? Thanks in advance, The Reverend Jerome “Grouchy” Oldman

 

Dear Jerome, you think you’ve got problems?! I’m a fetus! A f**kin’ FETUS! Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to order a pizza when you’re a fetus? Do you?! Well, let me tell you. First, I’m surrounded by embryonic fluid which is constantly f**king up my iPhone. I’ve had to replace the f**kin’ thing 3 times since I was a zygote. 3 f**kin’ times! Next, try ordering a pizza to be delivered to the address: “My mother’s belly.” “Which mother’s belly?” They always ask. Well, how in f**k’s name would I know. I’m a f**kin’ FETUS! I’m INSIDE a womb. I’ve no idea whose womb yet because I can’t f**kin’ see her face! Jesus Christ! It sucks, Jerome! It really f**kin’ sucks! Compared to your “lawn” issue, this one’s far, far worse. So, next time you want to ask me a question, ask me a serious one or f**k off. Hope this helps. Love always, a Fetus

17 thoughts on “Ask A Fetus”

  1. This is PERFECT! Both question and answer

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  3. Dear Fetus, what’s the meaning of life? And why should we “always look on its bright side even when nailed to a fucking cross?
    —Jesus Herman Christ

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  4. Dear Fetus, I have just recently discovered I have an armadillo problem. My entire fucking yard is full of holes that you could easily bury a sofball in. Do you have any idea how difficult this is to drive a riding lawn mower over? I spent 3 fucking days out there with a goddamn rake and shovel filling these holes in the yard.

    Then I went and reconned my 5 acres only to find several armadillo burrows. Not only that my neighbor has an armadillo burrow dug up under his house and other neighbors are having issues too. I did manage to blast one of them sum bitches to kingdom come with a 12 guage but still have armadillos running amok and digging up my goddamn yard.

    What would you recommend?

    Armadilla Killa in Tn.

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  5. That Fetus will grow to have a great ask me column

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  6. Hey fetus, always love your responses, well not the ones delivered as constant belly kicks, but mostly ya. An Idea for you on the pizza. ( had one tonight and it was pretty good ) Next time you get a IPhone delivered have the guy snap a few pictures of your belly carrier and where the woman toting your home around lives at. Pizzas will then rain down on you. Be well. 🙂 Hugs

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    • The fetus or the old grouch?

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    • The foetus, but he’s a great character. You could really do something with him. Of course, he’ll have to be post-28 weeks, or else he doesn’t have a brain that’s actually working, and is not actually “alive”. This could be great. You had me laughing through. Start a Twitter account, The Foetus (or as you colonials say, The Fetus)

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    • Like Curly once said to Moe, “Moe, ya’ just gotta love a grouchy fetus.” 🙂 Thanks for laughing. I crack myself up writing this crazy shit. But, I’m crazy, so I’m not sure if anyone else will think it’s as ludicrously funny as I do. 🙂 The way we Americans spell fetus is the right way. We Americans are ALWAYS right, god dammit! That’s what Jesus says, and, by golly, by gosh, by gum, that makes it true. $Amen$

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