Bible Quotes Republicans Love

bible4-9

1.)  “And upon learning that the sickest people in the village had no health insurance, Jesus refused to heal them and they died.”  John 22:4-5

2.)  “After turning the water into wine, Jesus proceeded to grab all the women at the wedding by the pussy because, well, because he was famous, and they could do nothing to stop him.”  Luke 44:8-9

3.)  “Jesus then created a welfare system in which the wealthiest members of society were given free handouts and tax breaks by the Government whilst the poorest members were allowed to suffer in poverty and die.”  Mark 3:67-69

4.)  “Jesus said to the stranger, ‘I cast you out because your skin is of a different hue and you speak with a weird accent.’  After he did this, there was great rejoicing amongst the people.”  Matthew 32:67-69

5.)  “And there shall come a time when King Putin will so completely have his rectum licked by a childish orange oaf that he shall do all in his power to aid the orange oaf into becoming King of his own land.”  Revelation 7:43-45

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29 thoughts on “Bible Quotes Republicans Love

  1. Haha
    I think you should edit the bible

  2. Hahaha! This could be as classic as Bill Maher’s “Religulous” or ANY of the delightully hilarious Monty Python parodies!!! Look out world… here’s Inspired!!! 😛

  3. The health insurance one was my favorite. I’ve never understood how so many Christians can’t see how socialistic Jesus was – or at least described as – in the bible.

  4. Wow! You interpret the babble just like a real Republican!

  5. So it is written, so shall it be done.

  6. Eye-opening. I always wondered which version of the Bible the religious-right reads.

  7. Learning the bible from you is fun, in a sick kind of way.

  8. I can most definitely see the authenticity in #2.

  9. Wow, they follows so faithfully. I did not know they could honor anything. Well done. Hugs

  10. John was a Koch. Luke was a Walton (Walmart.) Mark was a Bush. Matthew was a Romney and I’m guessing Revelation was a black person 😀

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