Soon To Be U.S. President, Donald “Zaius” Trump

Banana City, North Carolina.   In shocking news today from the Republican National Convention, soon to be U.S. President, Donald Trump, announced he’s actually Dr. Zaius from the Planet of the Apes movies.   “Many people keep asking me why I’m orange,” Mr. Trump said earlier, “and it’s about time I come clean on the issue.  I’m orange because I’m actually the sentient orangutan from the Planet of the Apes movies known as Dr. Zaius.   I’ve been shaving and using depilatory body creams for many decades now to cover up my orangutan heritage.   I always felt that if people knew I wasn’t actually a human being, they’d make fun of me and keep me in some sort of walled-in enclosure because, as you know, people do tend to fear things they do not fully understand.   I’m asking for every American to please, simply accept me for the beautiful creature I am.  I may be of a different species than you, but, believe you me, I’ve got the same feelings and desires you have.   Remember, too, America is great because of the variety of people who make her up.  To pick one race, or one culture, over another and say, ‘This one is the true American way,’ would be a lie and very unfair to every other race and culture that helps make America great.  So, please, America, show me the same love and empathy that I show to all of you, regardless of your race or cultural background, and elect me as your President in November.   And, as soon as that happens, we’ll start building that wall to keep those dirty, god-damned Mexicans out of our country.  God bless you, America, and God bless freedom!”