As many who’ve followed my self-awarded, Nobel Prize winning work over the past 60 years know, I hate the French. I’ve never said why, but, after receiving close to 500,000 emails in the past 2 hours asking me for an explanation, I’ve decided to spill my guts on the matter. Here are my very valid reasons for hating the French.
1.) The Battle of Hastings. Need I say more? These bastards invaded England in 1066, and all but ruined the English language by injecting their fluffy one into it. Before The Battle of Hastings, a chair was simply called a sittin’ peg. Now we call sittin’ pegs “chairs”. Why? Because of the French and their highbrow, pansy-ass language. Screw that, man!
2.) Bread. Before the French decided to roll out bread dough into long, thin loaves, long thin bread was considered abhorrent, and those who made it were burned at the stake as witches. But, then, along come the goddamn French with their fancy-ass long loaves of bread they call “French Bread” and guess what? It becomes popular and desired. I cry FOUL on this one, you French, witch bastards! You may be able to fool others with your evil, witch ways and nasty, abhorrent, long-loafed bread, but you can’t pull the wool over this Nobel Prize Winner’s eyes. I’m onto you, and I’m watching you. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
3.) French Toast. This last one is simply the worse. Before the coming of the French, toast was just toast. Nothing fancy about it. You toasted some goddamn bread, buttered it, put jam on it, and ate the fuckin’ thing. But, of course, this wasn’t good enough for the French. No. They needed to dip bread in eggs first, put cinnamon on it, and fry it before eating it. AND, they, naturally, call this unnatural dish, “French” Toast. Fuck that! It’s just toast with eggs and cinnamon on it! How the hell is that “French”? Jesus, these people simply can’t touch ANYTHING without defiling it with their “French” ways! I HATE ’em! And now, I’m sure you do too. Thanks for reading, and remember, if you’re American, arm yourself. It’s your right and the only way to keep America free.