Why I Hate The French

Read Below To Learn Why I Hate These People

Read Below To Learn Why I Hate These People

As many who’ve followed my self-awarded, Nobel Prize winning work over the past 60 years know, I hate the French.   I’ve never said why, but, after receiving close to 500,000 emails in the past 2 hours asking me for an explanation,  I’ve decided to spill my guts on the matter.   Here are my very valid reasons for hating the French.

1.)  The Battle of Hastings.  Need I say more?  These bastards invaded England in 1066, and all but ruined the English language by injecting their fluffy one into it.  Before The Battle of Hastings, a chair was simply called a sittin’ peg.  Now we call sittin’ pegs “chairs”.  Why?  Because of the French and their highbrow, pansy-ass language.  Screw that, man!

2.) Bread.  Before the French decided to roll out bread dough into long, thin loaves, long thin bread was considered abhorrent, and those who made it were burned at the stake as witches.  But, then, along come the goddamn French with their fancy-ass long loaves of bread they call “French Bread” and guess what?   It becomes popular and desired.   I cry FOUL on this one, you French, witch bastards!   You may be able to fool others with your evil, witch ways and nasty, abhorrent, long-loafed bread, but you can’t pull the wool over this Nobel Prize Winner’s eyes.  I’m onto you, and I’m watching you.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

3.) French Toast.  This last one is simply the worse.   Before the coming of the French, toast was just toast.  Nothing fancy about it.  You toasted some goddamn bread, buttered it, put jam on it, and ate the fuckin’ thing.  But, of course, this wasn’t good enough for the French.  No.  They needed to dip bread in eggs first, put cinnamon on it, and fry it before eating it.  AND, they, naturally, call this unnatural dish, “French” Toast.  Fuck that!  It’s just toast with eggs and cinnamon on it!  How the hell is that “French”?  Jesus, these people simply can’t touch ANYTHING without defiling it with their “French” ways!   I HATE ’em!  And now, I’m sure you do too.  Thanks for reading, and remember, if you’re American,  arm yourself.  It’s your right and the only way to keep America free.

36 thoughts on “Why I Hate The French

  1. Should I blame Le French for le french kisses too? I think I have may have gotten into trouble too many times with that. Damn them!!


  2. UHMmm, Prophet Jeff just one problem ( he says with a whisper ) without the “highbrow, pansy-ass language” I wouldn’t get laid… and I think , yes I almost certainly know, that not getting laid is a bad thing. Just saying. WOW you got a mean whip hand SIR ! 😮 🙂 Hugs


  3. Hahaha.
    And you say 500K emails. Have they become that few over the years?


  4. And what about French fries, huh? “C’est bon, les frites, hein, mon vieux!” And how could you forget about the habit of “faisander le gibier” or hunted meat, hanging it raw until it practically falls apart from rotting then eating the stuff… gag me… I was born over there, and I do believe I did eat “des escargots” a few times as a child. Oh well, maybe that’s why I never get sick. Method to madness?


  5. And hats that don’t keep the sun off!


  6. Oh my, I’m a little speechless. I loved my time in France, except for the rude Parisians! 🙂


  7. Whaddabout:
    – Langoustines
    – Escargots
    – Cuisses de grenouilles
    – Foie gras

    All of it just Cordon Blerrgh!


  8. Damn, I thought it was the Grey Poupon.

    Don’t start bashing the French regularly because gun totin’ ‘Mericans will start shootin’ ’em. Just sayin’.


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