Read Below To Learn Why I Hate These People
As many who’ve followed my self-awarded, Nobel Prize winning work over the past 60 years know, I hate the French. I’ve never said why, but, after receiving close to 500,000 emails in the past 2 hours asking me for an explanation, I’ve decided to spill my guts on the matter. Here are my very valid reasons for hating the French.
1.) The Battle of Hastings. Need I say more? These bastards invaded England in 1066, and all but ruined the English language by injecting their fluffy one into it. Before The Battle of Hastings, a chair was simply called a sittin’ peg. Now we call sittin’ pegs “chairs”. Why? Because of the French and their highbrow, pansy-ass language. Screw that, man!
2.) Bread. Before the French decided to roll out bread dough into long, thin loaves, long thin bread was considered abhorrent, and those who made it were burned at the stake as witches. But, then, along come the goddamn French with their fancy-ass long loaves of bread they call “French Bread” and guess what? It becomes popular and desired. I cry FOUL on this one, you French, witch bastards! You may be able to fool others with your evil, witch ways and nasty, abhorrent, long-loafed bread, but you can’t pull the wool over this Nobel Prize Winner’s eyes. I’m onto you, and I’m watching you. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
3.) French Toast. This last one is simply the worse. Before the coming of the French, toast was just toast. Nothing fancy about it. You toasted some goddamn bread, buttered it, put jam on it, and ate the fuckin’ thing. But, of course, this wasn’t good enough for the French. No. They needed to dip bread in eggs first, put cinnamon on it, and fry it before eating it. AND, they, naturally, call this unnatural dish, “French” Toast. Fuck that! It’s just toast with eggs and cinnamon on it! How the hell is that “French”? Jesus, these people simply can’t touch ANYTHING without defiling it with their “French” ways! I HATE ’em! And now, I’m sure you do too. Thanks for reading, and remember, if you’re American, arm yourself. It’s your right and the only way to keep America free.
The Arm Chair Pontificator 
😀 crying
LikeLike
😀
LikeLike
Should I blame Le French for le french kisses too? I think I have may have gotten into trouble too many times with that. Damn them!!
LikeLike
Those bastards.
LikeLike
UHMmm, Prophet Jeff just one problem ( he says with a whisper ) without the “highbrow, pansy-ass language” I wouldn’t get laid… and I think , yes I almost certainly know, that not getting laid is a bad thing. Just saying. WOW you got a mean whip hand SIR ! 😮 🙂 Hugs
LikeLike
I’m only mean in regards to the French. The bastards. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
OK, cause like, fur sure, I really like getting laid.. Ya know. 🙂 hugs
LikeLike
Try the Italians.
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂 Awesome Many thanks. Hugs
LikeLike
Don’t mention it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh crap.. just realized my husband goes to your site also.. I may not get laid after all.. 😦 😦 oh no !!! quick Prophet of the divine… how do I fix this wise one ??? Hugs
LikeLike
Make him some lasagna and speak to him in Italian.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dang you are so wise !!!! I was afraid you would tell me not to let him read your pronouncements. Ah a much better idea you have. I make a great Lasagna even though I can’t spell it. Be well and happy… Oh just a question, as we have seen you are more than just a Prophet, you also are wise… are you the “old” ( we all know true Prophets can’t ever be old ) guy on the mountain with the huge beard that everyone goes in seeking of ??? Tks. Hugs
LikeLike
I’m the wise-ass who pushes the old guy off the mountain.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Just so you know, I laughed so hard at this my son rush in to my new office and thought I was having a fit of some type. You are truly grand! Many hugs
LikeLike
$Amen$
LikeLike
Hahaha.
And you say 500K emails. Have they become that few over the years?
LikeLike
That’s 500K every 2 hours, my friend. I just can’t keep up any more.
LikeLike
That makes sense now.
I can be your secretary
LikeLike
You’re hired.
LikeLike
Thank you kindly
LikeLike
And what about French fries, huh? “C’est bon, les frites, hein, mon vieux!” And how could you forget about the habit of “faisander le gibier” or hunted meat, hanging it raw until it practically falls apart from rotting then eating the stuff… gag me… I was born over there, and I do believe I did eat “des escargots” a few times as a child. Oh well, maybe that’s why I never get sick. Method to madness?
LikeLike
The horrors the French perpetrate upon humanity are too numerous to mention. 🙂
LikeLike
Indeed, indeed… and I’ll never forget being forced to wear “le beret” (that’s that funny hat without brim, visor or even the means to lower it over the ears as a tuque to keep one’s ears from freezing. And that Peugeot 2CV, huh? Ever seen an uglier car? Mais alors, ils sont fous ces Gaulois!
LikeLike
God, how I hate those people! 🙂
LikeLike
And hats that don’t keep the sun off!
LikeLike
I wouldn’t even call ’em hats. They’re more like really bad wigs.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh my, I’m a little speechless. I loved my time in France, except for the rude Parisians! 🙂
LikeLike
“The pestilence of Europe, the French are.” Yoda, from Empire Strikes Back, 1980
LikeLike
lol!
LikeLike
Your welcome 😛
LikeLike
😀
LikeLike
Whaddabout:
– Langoustines
– Escargots
– Cuisses de grenouilles
– Foie gras
All of it just Cordon Blerrgh!
LikeLike
AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!
LikeLike
Damn, I thought it was the Grey Poupon.
Don’t start bashing the French regularly because gun totin’ ‘Mericans will start shootin’ ’em. Just sayin’.
LikeLike
Don’t even get me started on Grey Poupon. Just writin’ the words makes me ill.
LikeLike