In a contradicting and self-serving statement today, several Christian Right groups declared that gay sex, i.e., when one man suckles the penis of another or one woman nurses at the breasts of another, is perfectly OK and sin free, but being gay, as a day-in-day-out kinda thing, is not. “What we’re saying here,” said Christian Right spokeswoman, Beverly Vulva, “is that people sometimes have itches that need to be scratched. The act of scratching an itch, in and of itself, is a very good thing.

Nothing Gay About This, Now, Is There?

However, the insistence on being nothing for the rest of one’s days BUT an itch-scratcher, is hideous and evil, and those choosing to live as such must be driven from the places of man and condemned forever to burn in the fires of Hell.  We members of the Christian Right have decided that this is the will of Jesus, our Lord and Savior. By making the act of gay sex OK, we help keep all the Christians who’ve ever sucked the cock of another man or fondled the vagina of another woman free from the horrible burdens associated with being gay.  So, two priests who occasionally have anal intercourse with each other aren’t gay, just their sex is. The trick to remember in avoiding the wrath of Jesus, who HATES gays, is to not EVER declare oneself as gay.  Remember, always remind yourself, and others, that ‘I’m the straightest jacket in the closet. It’s only when I have a severe itch that I partake in the pleasures of fellatio with another man or cunnilingus with another woman. And there’s certainly nothing gay about scratching an itch now and then, now is there?’ “