Russian Gal Rushin’ Around For No Good Reason

Hurryville, Montana.  Results of a recent survey conducted by Professor Theodore Brightman, head of the Americans Are Smart department at The University of Chicago, show that 87% of Americans think Russians need to slow down.   “Look,” said Professor Brightman, “this survey simply reinforces my deeply held belief that we Americans think Russians move around too quickly, and too often.  What other possible reason would there be to call them Russians?  If it quacks like a duck, and runs around like a duck, then it’s obviously a duck.  The rest of the civilized world needs to thank me, and the Americans who filled out my survey, for pointing out this obvious fact.  Yes, we Americans are amazingly bright, and it’s my goal to help share the brightness of Americans with the world at large.  To conclude, I deeply hope the results of this survey will encourage Russians to slow the hell down and enjoy life.  The country they live in is cold, icy, and covered in snow.  That’s NOT the type of weather to be rushing around in.  Someone could lose an eye, or worse.   Hopefully, we’ll soon be referring to Russians by a new name, Slowvians, the calmest people on Earth.”