Ask Ralph, The Raunchy Rat

Dear Ralph, I need your help. I'm a person who loves to smoke. Hell, I must smoke 3 packs of cigarettes a day, and I have for close to 50 years now. Besides the fact that my phlegm is pitch black, I've suffered no ill effect from my smoking. The problem I'm having is that my landlord has recently banned smoking in all of his apartments. I think this is bullshit. I pay my rent, and, goddammit, if I want to smoke myself into oblivion in my own apartment, I should be able to without having to move to a different apartment complex to do it. What can I say to my landlord to convince him I should be able to smoke in my apartment, and not be forced to move. Yours truly, Martha Brownlung, a really old lady who smokes.

Dear Ralph, I need your help. I love to smoke. Hell, I must smoke 3 or 4 packs of cigarettes a day, and I have for close to 50 years now. Besides the fact that my phlegm is pitch black, I’ve suffered no ill effect from my smoking. The problem I’m having is that my landlord has recently banned smoking in all of his apartments. I think this is bullshit. I pay my rent, and, goddamnit, if I want to smoke myself into oblivion in my own apartment, I should be able to. What can I say to my landlord to convince him I should be able to smoke in my apartment, and not be forced to move.    Yours truly, Martha Brownlung, a really old lady who smokes.

Dear Martha, thanks for writing. You've come to right rat. Here's what you need to say to your landlord to make him fear you. "HEY, SHIT FACE!! I'm gonna smoke in my fuckin' apartment. I'm not moving, and if you try to make me quit smoking in my apartment or move, I'm gonna get my friend, Ralph The Raunchy Rat, to gather up 10 thousand of his rat friends to infest your shit-hole of a building and bite the living fuck outta every person living in it, except, of course, Matha Brownlung. Now get off my old wrinkled ass, you miserable slum lord son of a bitch. Say this to him, word for word, and I assure you, you'll be able to stay in your apartment and smoke. Have a great day, Ralph The Raunchy Rat

Dear Martha, thanks for writing. You’ve come to the right rat. Here’s what you need to say to your landlord to make him fear you. “HEY, SHIT FACE!! I’m gonna smoke in my fuckin’ apartment. I’m not moving, and if you try to make me quit smoking in my apartment or move, I’m gonna get my friend, Ralph, The Raunchy Rat, to gather up 10 thousand of his rat friends to infest your shit-hole of a building and bite the living fuck outta every person living in it, except, of course, Martha Brownlung. Now, get off my old wrinkled ass, you miserable slum lord son of a bitch!”   Say this to him, word for word, and I assure you, you’ll be able to stay in your apartment and smoke.   Have a great day, Ralph, The Raunchy Rat.

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23 thoughts on “Ask Ralph, The Raunchy Rat

  1. 😀 I love Ralph!!!! 😀

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  2. That will do it!

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  3. From another POV. There are quicker ways to commit suicide. Not to mention cheaper and less deadly to those around you. Just sayin’ smokers themselves are not the only ones effected negatively by their choice of weapon.

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  4. Sydney is like that. Bit rude.

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