We get over 890,000 e-mails a day here at The Arm Chair Pontificator. Here are a few.
1.) This one comes from email@example.com. “Hey! Pontificator! I think your dick is tiny and your brain even tinier than that. Obviously you’re a gay, atheist, lefty libtard who sleeps with Muslims cause you are one! I’m sick of reading the shit you write, so STOP writing it, ass-bag! Just go back to your friends in ISIS and die before I carpet bomb you! ‘Bye, you ball sack, you.”
My reply to liberalkiller66 was as follows: “Thanks for your kind words, liberalkiller66. You seem like a fine fellow. Next time you see your mother, tell her I dropped her toothbrush in the toilet the last time I stayed over at her place and put it back in the holder without rinsing it off. Hope she didn’t use it.”
2.) And this one is from firstname.lastname@example.org. “Hello. I don’t know if you remember me, but my name is Jimmy, and I’m 3 years old. Yesterday, my mom and I, while out jogging through Manhattan, stopped by your office so I could use the bathroom. I think I left my bag of candy there. Could you please check and let me know if I did, and, if it’s there, could you please FedEx it back to me right away? I want to eat it. Thanks. P.S. Love your site, man.”
My reply to Jimmy was this: “Sorry Jimmy, I found your candy and I ate it all. Life simply blows sometimes, doesn’t it. Thanks for reading my blog, and keep up with the jogging. I hear it’s good for you.”