E-mail To The Pontificator

email-forwardingWe get over 890,000 e-mails a day here at The Arm Chair Pontificator.  Here are a few.

1.) This one comes from liberalkiller66@gmail.com.  “Hey!  Pontificator!  I think your dick is tiny and your brain even tinier than that.   Obviously you’re a gay, atheist, lefty libtard who sleeps with Muslims cause you are one!  I’m sick of reading the shit you write, so STOP writing it, ass-bag!  Just go back to your friends in ISIS and die before I carpet bomb you!  ‘Bye, you ball sack, you.”

My reply to liberalkiller66 was as follows:  “Thanks for your kind words, liberalkiller66.  You seem like a fine fellow.   Next time you see your mother, tell her I dropped her toothbrush in the toilet the last time I stayed over at her place and put it back in the holder without rinsing it off.  Hope she didn’t use it.”

2.) And this one is from jimmythetoddler@yahoo.com.  “Hello.  I don’t know if you remember me, but my name is Jimmy, and I’m 3 years old.  Yesterday, my mom and I, while out jogging through Manhattan, stopped by your office so I could use the bathroom.  I think I left my bag of candy there.  Could you please check and let me know if I did, and, if it’s there, could you please FedEx it back to me right away?  I want to eat it.  Thanks. P.S. Love your site, man.”

My reply to Jimmy was this: “Sorry Jimmy, I found your candy and I ate it all.  Life simply blows sometimes, doesn’t it.  Thanks for reading my blog, and keep up with the jogging.  I hear it’s good for you.”

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20 thoughts on “E-mail To The Pontificator

  1. I needed this after the bad taste the previous post has left in my mouth 😀

  2. Be honest, Liberalkiller66 was really Donald Trump in disguise, wasn’t it?

    • The one from Trump read: “Fuck you, Pontificator. When I see ya’, I’m gonna kill ya’.” My reply was simply, “Thanks.”

    • You’re too kind to reply. I hope you know that;)

    • I know. 🙂 How’s the book? Any more sales, reads or reviews?

    • Actually, no. In fact, I’m having trouble getting people to review it. It seems like people don’t even want to read it for free;)
      On the other hand, I’ve been catching up on book marketing and it’s to be expected that few (or in this case) no people would want to buy or even read a book from an unknown author.
      That said, I’m very busy ‘branding’ myself, which is a lot of fun. Having been gone from the blogosphere for well over a year I basically have to start all over again (you and Mike were pretty much the only ones that still knew I existed;))
      And actually, I did get an email from a publisher last week saying they’d be interested in taking a look at my work…I suppose that’s something;)
      Thanks for asking btw!

    • I branded myself once. Hurt like hell.

    • Maybe your marketing strategy was a bit too hardcore;)

    • I should never have left it in the hot coals that long.

  3. You let people off the street use your bathroom… Kids? Isn’t that where you keep the banned books? Hugs

    • Naw. Those are under my mattress.

    • Cool, grand, me too but it makes my side of the bed higher than Ron’s and I am forever rolling into him… I tell him it is because he is so attractive he draws people in like gravity.. hehehehehe. Hey love the emails, but what else is under your mattress, are you hiding the guys from monster inc there, I had one for years but he died of boredom. Sad really, even the cats ignored him. Tried to get a mammoth from ice age but all I got from the mail order was some moldy hair and I think it came from D. Trump. Loves and hugs

    • There may also be an old box of raisins under there, but I’m not sure.

  4. Great.

  5. Haha. You get very polite feedback. You must be doing everything right

  6. 890,000+ emails per day? Whew, I have trouble handling more than 50!

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