Ask Hulk

Hi Hulk. My name's Timmy the Toddler and I've an issue I'm hoping you can help me with. See, I like cookies. Hell, I could bloody well eat cookies, like, 24/7 for all eternity. However, my mother, being the anal-retentive controlling person she is, insists that eating nothing but cookies would be very detrimental to my health. Quite frankly, I don't care what she thinks, I still want the friggin' cookies. Do you have any suggestions on how I can convince my mother to relax her sphincter on this issue and let me eat nothing but cookies? Thanks for all you and the other Avengers do to keep me safe from monsters, Timmy The Toddler

Hi Hulk.  My name’s Timmy the Toddler and I’ve an issue I’m hoping you can help me with.  See, I like cookies.  Hell, I could bloody well eat cookies, like, 24/7 for all eternity.  However, my mother, being the anal-retentive controlling person she is, insists that eating nothing but cookies would be very detrimental to my health. Quite frankly, I don’t care what she thinks, I still want the friggin’ cookies.  Do you have any suggestions on how I can convince my mother to relax her sphincter on this issue and let me eat nothing but cookies?    Thanks for all you and the other Avengers do to keep me safe from monsters, Timmy The Toddler

 

Dear Timmy the Toddler, thanks for your question. Believe it or not, I get asked this question dozens of time a week. And here's the answer I always give: ARE YOU NUTS?! Do you have ANY idea what a diet consisting only of cookies would do to you?! You'd quickly become very obese, and most likely die before your tenth birthday. Is THAT what you want?! Your mother is a wise lady who has your best interest at heart. Listen to her, respect her, and for god's sake, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO LIVE ONLY ON COOKIES OR HULK WILL SMASH!!! Hope this helps. Yours in good health, Hulk

Dear Timmy the Toddler, thanks for your question.  Believe it or not, I get asked this question dozens of time a week.  And here’s the answer I always give: ARE YOU NUTS?!  Do you have ANY idea what a diet consisting only of cookies would do to you?!  You’d quickly become very obese, and most likely die before your tenth birthday.  Is THAT what you want?!  Your mother is a wise lady who has your best interest at heart.  Listen to her, respect her, and for god’s sake, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO LIVE ONLY ON COOKIES OR HULK WILL SMASH!!!    Hope this helps. Yours in good health, Hulk

 

Meet Carly, The Carpet Bomb

Hello.  I'm Carly, the Carpet Bomb.  Do you have enemies who'd you'd like to kill?  Do your neighbors do things so differently than you it makes you ill?  Then you need my services.  How do I work?  Easy.  Simply wait til as many people you dislike and want dead are gathered in one spot and drop me on top of them from a helicopter or high ladder.  I'll cover the bastards and cut off their oxygen until they're all dead.   I'm reusable, and stain free, so if any of your enemies decides to bleed or throw up on me, you can easily wash it out.  Order my services now for 12.99 a kill, and I'll bring my friend, Terry the Throw Rug with me to help you kill those pesky kids who keep running on your new lawn.  Just toss Tommy on top of the kids, and, presto, he'll tear their heads off for you.

Hello.  I’m Carly, the Carpet Bomb.  Do you have enemies you’d like to kill?  Do your neighbors do things so differently than you that it makes you ill?  Then you need my services.  How do I work?  Easy.  Simply wait til as many people you dislike are gathered in one spot and drop me on top of them from a helicopter or high ladder.  I’ll cover the bastards and cut off their oxygen until they’re all dead.  I’m reusable, and stain free, so if any of your enemies decide to bleed or throw up on me, it easily washes out.  Order my services now for only 12.99 a kill, and I’ll bring my friend, Terry, the Small Throw Rug with me to help you kill those pesky neighborhood kids who run on your lawn and make noise.  Just toss Tommy on top of them, and, presto, they suffocate like bagged rats in a decompression chamber.  Don’t let your enemies and others who bother you live.  They don’t deserve to.

A Word From Aqualad

Hi folks, Aqualad, here.

Hi folks, Aqualad here.  I’m Aquaman’s 18-year-old sidekick, and I help him protect the salty brine from thoughtless surface dwellers who pollute it with garbage and pee.  To help me do this better, Aquaman has given me a spiffy new costume that consists of a red shirt and a groin-hugging pair of blue shorts that show off my hairless, boyish legs extremely well.   As an added bonus, my super costume has a lovely “A” for a belt buckle.  This signifies I’m Aquaman’s top rated partner and an ace at keeping people from peeing in otherwise clean waters.   I gotta…I was gonna say run, but since I’m 50 fathoms deep, I can’t technically run, so, I’ll say swim.  See you later folks, and remember, keep your trash, and your pee, outta the water.

Ask Cryptic Kenny

Another new advice column from your pals at The Arm Chair Pontificator.

Dear Cryptic Kenny, I'm having a problem with young kids running around on my lawn and making noise. I've yelled, begged, and pleaded with them to stop, but they won't. My Republican friends tell me I should buy a gun and stand my ground by shooting a few of the little buggers. I'm rather partial to this idea, but live on a very limited budget and don't have much money to spend on a weapon. Do you know where I can buy a gun and bullets at a reasonable price for someone in my situation? Thanks, Shirley Crankypants, Early Childhood Education Professor, University of Chicago, Chicago, Illinois

Dear Cryptic Kenny, I’m having a problem with young kids running around on my lawn and making noise. I’ve yelled, begged, and pleaded with them to stop, but they won’t.  My Republican friends tell me I should buy a gun and stand my ground by shooting a few of the little buggers in the head.  I’m rather partial to this idea, but live on a very limited budget and don’t have much money to spend on a weapon.  Do you know where I can buy a gun and bullets at a reasonable price for someone in my situation?   Thanks, Shirley Crankypants, Early Childhood Education Professor, University of Chicago, Chicago, Illinois

 

Professor Crankypants, thank you for your intelligent, well thought out question. The difference between the side and the bottom is the same as the circumference of the top divided by the square root of X. I hope you find this a clarifying and spiritually fulfilling answer. Yours in the woods, Cryptic Kenny

Professor Crankypants, thank you for your intelligent, well thought out question.  The difference between the side and the bottom is the same as the circumference of the top divided by the square root of X.  I hope you find this a clarifying and spiritually fulfilling answer.   Yours in the woods, Cryptic Kenny