Lessons I’ve Learned In Life

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Here are a few valuable lessons life’s taught me.

1.) It doesn’t matter how many times you’re indicted, or for what, as long as you’re never convicted.

2.) Juggling kittens because you want to show off your juggling skills to impress babes is a pretty bad idea.

3.) Filling a pinata at a child’s birthday party with live fire ants is a surefire way to get yourself sued and/or arrested.  No matter how funny you think it will be, trust me, no one else at the party will.

4.) Calling members of the Nobel Prize Committee and threatening to “work them over” unless they give you a Nobel Prize for being a goddamn genius should only be done from a burner phone.  It took me multiple arrests before I learned this lesson.

5.) Newborns do not like jalapeno peppers.

6.) You’ll catch more fish with a worm than you will with a communion wafer.

7.) No matter how loud you can belch, it will not impress the hot chick sitting next to you on the bus.

8.) Just because YOU think walking around on the beach naked is OK doesn’t mean you should.

9.) It is rare to find the person who’s mistaken gorilla glue for sex lubricant more than once.

10.) You actually have to have been an actor in movie to get nominated for an Academy Award.

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22 thoughts on “Lessons I’ve Learned In Life

  1. Well shoot. I learned those the hard way

  2. Oh and on the baby lemon thing…or anything super strong tasting… science has proven that babies have a far greater sense of taste than older people, in fact as you get older your taste gets less and you want more and more flavored food.. sort of like old people and religion or politics. The older you get the stronger it has to be or more pungent to others to taste at all good to you. That is why young people think old people smell weird. Not to mention vote weird. Hugs

  3. Reblogged this on Scotties Toy Box and commented:

    I love this…. Even if I think #1 is for rich people only the rest are per gols and they are words that should be put in a holy book some where.. Not sure what the book would be called but by gosh it should be a best seller. These are rare gems most people wont learn until far to late in their life. Loves and hugs.

  4. Fire ant pinata, I wish I had been in on the beer drinking session that came up with that one. 🙂

    As for #5, true story, an 8 month old baby makes the most hilarious faces after tasting a piece of lemon. Then they quickly forget the effect and do it again, resulting in more hilarity. I had to soon take away the piece of lemon, and wash the hands, lest there was an eye rub. But I swear it is something eveyone should see at least once.

    No babies were harmed in any way, so don’t go calling DHS!

  5. “You’ll catch more fish with a worm than you will with a communion wafer.”

    Damn atheists!

  6. Many thanks oh knowledgeable one, now I know why the hot girl on the bus wasn’t at all interested in me (especially considering I had been eating Jalapeno peppers at the time!) 😉

  7. So I will not be nominated?

  8. #6. Really? Now that explains a lot!

  9. Thanks for learning the lessons for me 😈

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