Now for our latest advice column, Advice From An Average Atheist
Dear Average Atheist, my name is Young Billy, The Teenage Christian Boy, and I want to know what your plans are for this year’s War On Christmas. Do I need to wear a bullet proof vest when going to midnight mass this year like I did last, and will atheists be sending armed drones to bomb the Vatican on Christmas morn like they did in 2012? Just wondering so I can be prepared. Yours in the Almighty Love Of Jesus Christ, Our Lord And Savior, Young Billy, The Teenage Christian Boy
Dear Young Billy, The Teenage Christian Boy, least you forget, this is WAR! Though I’m glad you asked your question, I can’t any more give you a direct answer to it than President Obama can tell you how and when the U.S. military will next attack ISIS. You do, however, seem to be like a nice bloke, so I’ll give you this little hint: Beware the trees on Christmas morning, Young Billy. Beware the trees. Hope this helps, and thanks for asking your question. Hope you have a safe, blessed, and very Merry Christmas this year. Yours In Insipid Evil, An Average Atheist
The Arm Chair Pontificator 
I know I’ve said it loads already but…someone should give you a writing gig, doing this kind of stuff!
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They should. Where are they? 🙂
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I don’t know, and if I knew I would kick their butts for not having found out about you yet!
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$Amen$ 🙂
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There should be air raids this year. He should move to a bomb shelter
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Indeed. 🙂
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I am sharpening my anual festive stake as we speak.
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Awesome.
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Beware of Christmas trees? You mean we’re going to be stuck in a Dr. Who Christmas episode? 🙂
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Perhaps. 🙂
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Oh snap! I had completely forgotton about our yearly war on x-mas. Someone please update me on our next move.
I promise to be more diligent next year!
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Grab a remote. We’re sending drones to bomb the Macy’s parade on Thursday!
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Ok, I have my remote, but what does the Thanksgiving day parade have to do with x-mas?
Signed, confused atheist in Tennessee.
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We are compelled, by our atheistic oath, to bomb any float in the Thanksgiving Macy’s Day Parade that looks like Santa, Frosty, Rudolph or Baby Jesus. $Amen$
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Oh, that oath. Wait, what page was that on in the manual?
I am a terrible atheist war on x-mas mongerer. I havent watched a parade in so long I had forgotten there were x-mas related floats… Honestly, I’d rather have a root canal than watch a damn parade.
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Me too, actually.
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I think we’ll just conduct an aerial campaign this year. But then again, TOOAIN shouldn’t be left out, should he?
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Of course not. He’s the one who compels us to war on Christmas. All hail TOOAIN!!!! All hail the great master of indifferent suffering!!!!
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Is it as chilly in Chi-town as out here on the left-coast today? Brrrrr…
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It’s FREEZING here today.
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Made me think of Christmas and the war we atheists must wage on it every year via our atheist contracts.
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Beware of trees…personally Christmas Crackers made east of Dover are ‘off me list’…fine satire Sir!
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Thanks, my friend.
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FAKE! There are no “average” atheists. You are either an atheist or you are NOT one. One cannot be a little bit atheist, or a lot of atheist.
It’s like being an “average” pregnant woman. She’s either pregnant or she isn’t.
Or like being a little bit dead – no! Wait! Politicians and popes and be a little bit dead. There goes my argument. Aaarghhh.
OK. I’m also an average atheist. Sighhhh …
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😀
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I love it, but head of the war on dressed up tress department sent me a notice about letting to many people in on it. You must have either not got the message or ignored it… OH MY?
On a serious note, can you email me please. Got an issue I need your help with. Thanks. Hugs
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Sure.
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