I’ve invented many wonderful gadgets over the years in my never-ending quest to force the Nobel Prize Committee to give me my hard-earned Nobel Prize. Here are a few of them along with their suggested retail prices. Each is available for purchase in The Arm Chair Pontificator online store should you wish to buy them.
TACP Self-Cleaning Dog. This adorable pet comes with a built-in cleaning system so you never have to bathe him. Just sprinkle a little water on him, stand back, and watch your pet foam up, rinse, then dry off right in front of you without ever having to get your hands wet. These make GREAT Christmas gifts and cost only $76.89. Buy now while supplies last.
TACP Worm Hole Sealer. I invented this after I used a particle accelerator to open a worm hole to the Andromeda Galaxy in my apartment one morning. It sucked half my things up into it before I created this super magnetized zipper to seal it shut. If you have a worm hole in your home or apartment, buy one of these puppies for $34.75 and seal it shut for good. You’ll be glad you did.
TACP Reverse Fly Swatter. This item actually brings swatted flies and bees BACK to life after they’ve been killed. You see, I’m a pacifist and believe all life is special, even the life of flies and bees. So, I invented this awesome fly swatter that brings them back to life when you wave it over their splattered corpses. Amaze, and even piss off your friends, as you resurrect the pesky insects they’ve just killed while at the beach or on a picnic with TACP Reverse Fly Swatter. They’re only $23.56 in our online store.
TACP Stairway To Heaven. I invented this one night after a drinking binge just to see if I could do it. Welp, I did. Took me all night, but by morning I’d built a stairway to Heaven and was having tea with Jesus, John Lennon, and Leonard Nimoy while watching the sun rise. Of course, Jesus kicked my ass right back down the stairway when he learned I was an atheist, but, if you’ve got $99.99 and would like to buy this from me, you may have better luck than I did with the dude and actually get to stay for breakfast.