White House Garage, Washington D.C. A tearful President Obama announced today he was devastated because he lost the keys to his ’87 Volkswagen Bug over the weekend. “Those keys were special to me because they were on a key chain Vladimir Putin gave me after I drank his ass under the table the last time I visited Moscow,” the President said. “It had a little plastic statue of Putin on it that I rubbed for good luck every time I made a military decision. WTF am I going to do now? What?! I’m sorry, I simply must go lie down and cry for a while. Please forgive me.” Let’s hope the President finds his keys and his key chain soon, eh? World peace may very well depend on it.