Dear King Henry, I’m 15 years old and have a dating problem I hope you can help me with. I’ve been dating a girl named Ann for about a year now, but recently I met, and fell in love with, another girl named Jane whom I’d rather date. I’ve begged and pleaded with Ann to please let me free so Jane and I can be together, but she refuses to release me from our vow to go steady until the end of days. How can I convince Ann to let me free so I can date Jane, my true soul mate? Thanks for your time, Peter P. Imple, Esquire.
Dear Peter, let me start by saying you’ve come to the right guy with this problem. I faced many such situations throughout my lifetime, and I simply must tell you, without the real threat of beheading, women are damned difficult to get rid of. So, I suggest you hire some really mean, murderous thugs and buy yourself a sturdy chopping block and a very large axe. Then, abduct Ann from her bed at night and have one of the thugs hold her head down on the chopping block whilst the other waves the axe in front of her shouting, “Let Peter break up with you or we’ll chop off your fuckin’ head.” Hopefully, that will do the trick. If it doesn’t, and you REALLY want to be with Jane, you’ll just have to whack off Ann’s head. It’s messy, but, take it from me, it WILL solve your dating problem. Hope this helps.
Yours in tyrannical leadership, Henry VIII of England.
The Arm Chair Pontificator 
Brilliant, English history has never been put to better uses 😀
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Indeed!
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Well I think your advice columnist is correct on one thing. After kidnapping and threatening to and maybe actually doing the act of assault and murder, he wont have any more worries about who to date. In fact I bet where he will be living for a long time he will have more bed fellows than he ever thought or wanted. At his tender age, something tender will pay a price for sure. He will have to change the pronouns of his new far more demanding lovers, but I think he is smart enough to get the hang of it quickly and he will change his position as needed, often. Thanks for the new adviser and I wait anxiously for the next installment of his wisdom. Hugs
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Gotta love advice from ole Henry 8. Don’t piss em off, though. Dude used to boil people alive in oil for that. That kinda death makes getting your head cut off seem like fun.
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OH ouch. what a waste of good oil. Spoils the soup that way. Hugs
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I dunno. Might make a very tasty soup. I, being the cannibal, non-believing atheist that I am, can’t help but think that way. 🙂
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Yes, but way too much oil. And that much oil is so fattening? I mean frying babies is one thing, but a whole pot of oil for one human? I still think it a waste as well as causing a possible diarrhea after the meal. 🙂 Hugs
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Points well taken.
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Thank you grand master.. Hugs 🙂
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There was a time this advice would have helped me. It has come too late for me
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Sorry bout that. 🙂
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Just wait ’til he meets Tom, Dick and Hairy Balls. Then things really get complicated.
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Probably just call for their executions. You know how medieval these old English kings could sometimes get. The bastards.
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Henry had a cook boiled alive in oil after an assassination attempt once. Bet that was a fun way to go. What a guy Henry musta been.
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Hairy’s brother?
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Dick’s, I believe.
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Not sure which photo is creepier.
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Henry’s portrait, IMO. At least there’s a chance the kid might grow up into someone non-scary lookin’.
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Do you think Chucky (Ponce of Whales) is an improvement on old ‘Ennery?
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Well, he most certainly goes easier on his wives. 🙂
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The history of my nation has never been better expressed!
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English literature and history are great passions of mine. Ya’ gotta love ‘ole Henry. A more selfish, narcissistic bastard is hard to find.
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Funny, but I thought it was Anne who lost her head, and that Catherine was suspected of being poisoned after Henry VIII had married Anne? I’m confused.
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You’re correct, but Peter’s gals aren’t the same as Henry’s. 🙂
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I’ve changed the names to be more historically accurate. Don’t want anything interfering with the giggles. 🙂
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Thanks, it really is funny!
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Thank you. 🙂
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