Ask Henry The 8th: A New Advice Column From The Arm Chair Pontificator

Dear King Henry, I'm 16 years old and have a dating problem I hope you can help me with. I've been dating a girl named Kathrine for about a year now, but have fallen in love with another girl named Ann whom I'd rather date. I've begged and pleaded with Kathrine to please let me free so Ann and I can be together, but she refuses to release me from our vow to go steady until the end of days. How can I convince Kathrine to let me free so I can date Ann, my true soul mate. Thanks for your time, Peter P. Imple, Esquire.

Dear King Henry, I’m 15 years old and have a dating problem I hope you can help me with.  I’ve been dating a girl named Ann for about a year now, but recently I met, and fell in love with, another girl named Jane whom I’d rather date.  I’ve begged and pleaded with Ann to please let me free so Jane and I can be together, but she refuses to release me from our vow to go steady until the end of days.  How can I convince Ann to let me free so I can date Jane, my true soul mate?   Thanks for your time, Peter P. Imple, Esquire.

 

Dear Peter, let me start by saying you've come to the right guy with this problem. I faced many such situations throughout my lifetime, and I simply must tell you without the real threat of beheading, woman are damn hard to get rid of. So, I suggest you hire some really mean murderous thugs and buy yourself a sturdy chopping block along with a huge-ass ax. Then, have one of the thugs hold Kathrine's head down on the chopping block whilst the other waves the ax in front of her saying, "Let Peter break up with you or I'm gonna chop off your fuckin' head." Hopefully, that should do the trick. If it doesn't, and you REALLY want to be with Ann, you'll just have to whack off Kathrine's head. It's messy, but, take it form me, it works every time. Hope this helps. Yours in tyrannical leadership, Henry 8th of England.

Dear Peter, let me start by saying you’ve come to the right guy with this problem.  I faced many such situations throughout my lifetime, and I simply must tell you, without the real threat of beheading, women are damned difficult to get rid of.  So, I suggest you hire some really mean, murderous thugs and buy yourself a sturdy chopping block and a very large axe.  Then, abduct Ann from her bed at night and have one of the thugs hold her head down on the chopping block whilst the other waves the axe in front of her shouting, “Let Peter break up with you or we’ll chop off your fuckin’ head.” Hopefully, that will do the trick.  If it doesn’t, and you REALLY want to be with Jane, you’ll just have to whack off Ann’s head.  It’s messy, but, take it from me, it WILL solve your dating problem.  Hope this helps.
Yours in tyrannical leadership, Henry VIII of England.

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27 thoughts on “Ask Henry The 8th: A New Advice Column From The Arm Chair Pontificator

  1. Brilliant, English history has never been put to better uses 😀

  2. Well I think your advice columnist is correct on one thing. After kidnapping and threatening to and maybe actually doing the act of assault and murder, he wont have any more worries about who to date. In fact I bet where he will be living for a long time he will have more bed fellows than he ever thought or wanted. At his tender age, something tender will pay a price for sure. He will have to change the pronouns of his new far more demanding lovers, but I think he is smart enough to get the hang of it quickly and he will change his position as needed, often. Thanks for the new adviser and I wait anxiously for the next installment of his wisdom. Hugs

  3. There was a time this advice would have helped me. It has come too late for me

  4. Just wait ’til he meets Tom, Dick and Hairy Balls. Then things really get complicated.

  5. Not sure which photo is creepier.

  6. Do you think Chucky (Ponce of Whales) is an improvement on old ‘Ennery?

  7. The history of my nation has never been better expressed!

  8. Funny, but I thought it was Anne who lost her head, and that Catherine was suspected of being poisoned after Henry VIII had married Anne? I’m confused.

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