From The Bible
Greetings, Pontificator readers. I spent the day today calling the cell phones of famous folks from the Bible. Though no one was available to answer my calls, I did hear several interesting voice mail greetings which I’ve transcribed below for your reading pleasure. Enjoy.
1.) Moses
Oy Vey! Leave a god damn message already! I’m gettin’ senile an’ will most likely erase the god damn thing before….God dammit!!! I just stepped in dog crap!!! Zipporah!!! I told you I didn’t want the dog left in the living room!!!! Son of a bitch!!!! I swear to…Beep!
2.) The Holy Spirit
You’ve reached the voice mail of The Holy Spirit. I can’t take your call right now because I’m out impregnating 13 year old virgin gals with The Lord’s seed. Leave a message after the beep, and, if I’m not too worn out when I get home, I’ll call you back. Beep!
3.) St. Paul
Um, hello? You’ve reached Paul. I’m, um..out right now….Jesus Christ, already! This is hard. I made up a whole god damn religion off the top of my head. You’d think makin’ up one of these greetings would be easy. Oh, fuck it all to hell! Just leave a message after the beep. Beep!
4.) Baby Jesus
Hey all, Baby Jesus here. I can’t come to the phone right now cause…well…cause I’m a baby and can’t talk on phones yet. So, just leave me a message and, after I grow up, get tortured, die for your worthless evil ass, and rise from the dead, I’ll return your call if I deem you worthy. Beep!
5.) Mary Magdalene
Hey there studs and studettes. You’ve made contact with the cell phone of Mary Magdalene. JC and I are at the movies right now, but if you leave me a message, I’ll return your call later. Bye now.
6.) Yahweh
What! What do you want? Why the hell you callin’ me? Ain’t you read yer Bible? Don’t you know what an unhappy, miserable, vengeful shit I am? What in My Own Name makes you think I’d want to talk to you? Just piss off and don’t bother leaving a message. I ain’t gonna listen to it! Beep!
The Arm Chair Pontificator 
Holy crap! I’m laughing so hard I’m gonna pee myself. My bet is on Baby Jesus. When he doesn’t return my call, because I’m not worthy, then at least he will have kept his promise.
Brilliant writing!
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Thanks. I love that I could make you laugh like that. You’ve made my evening. 🙂
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Pingback: Voice Mail Greetings From The Bible | Scotties Toy Box
Thanks for the re-blog. 🙂
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crying
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😀
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I had a good laugh at this
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Good to hear that. 🙂
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I was a total non-believer in biblical wireless communication until I got to Mary Magdalene. I need to study up on my thou thee thoust doest thuses so I don’t sound like an idiot when I tweet her. (lightning just struck my garden gnome so I’m going to have to say I was just kidding. I promise not to talk like that when I tweet her) 😛
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She’s a hotty. Be nice to her, and she’ll be nice to you. 🙂
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Actually, her voice message was very nice considering the others. I guess if you get a couple of thousand years old you could get cranky after a while.
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Well, I do believe Moses and Yahweh have been cranky bastards since day one. 🙂
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LOL! True dat. I suspect sand fleas in the shorts.
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$Amen$
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Would make a brilliant live sketch
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Yeah. That’s how I conceive of most of these bits. I “hear” the characters in my twisted head. I’m great with voices. I should do a recording and upload it onto here. Let me see how to do that.
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Great idea. Better still, a video sketch
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Yeah. Better yet.
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Hilarious!!!
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Why, thank you, kind sir. 🙂
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