Grace Church Seattle To Implement A Genitalia Inspection For All Members

 

gracechurch

Liar Land, Washington.  Disciple for Christ and gay genitalia specialist, Jack M’Cockov, has been hired by Grace Church Seattle’s very own Katy Faust to inspect the anuses and privy parts of every Church member to be certain they are not gay, lesbian, trans-gendered, liberal, or Democrats.  The first person who will have his anus and privy parts examined for signs of gayness will be none other than the senior pastor and elder of the Church, Ryan Faust, Katy’s husband.   “I know this may seem a bit odd for anyone who isn’t a devout, loving follower of the Lord, Jesus Christ,” Mr. M’Cockov said earlier, “but Jesus hates fags, and he’s personally given Mrs. Faust the task to ensure they are discriminated against, legally and publicly, as much as humanly possible, throughout the world.  Recently, whilst in the midst of practicing one of her tyrannical and fib-filled speeches about the horrors of gay marriage with her husband, who also hates gays, she noticed that he, himself, kinda looked…well, he kinda looked…..gay.  Mrs. Faust immediately called me after noticing this because….well….because you can’t very well go around bashing gays and gay marriage if your gay-hating, proselytizing husband is secretly gay.  Imagine the shame and embarrassment of that?!  She also realized, that, even though Grace Church Seattle members are assumed to not be gay when they join the Church, it’s entirely possible some of them might be gay anyway.  Again, we can’t have that.  So, I was hired to sniff the anuses and genitalia of every Church member to check them for the scent of gayness.”

Gay Genitalia Specialist, Jack M'Cockov, Relaxing Before Inspecting The Anuses And Privy Parts Of Grace Church Of Seattle Members.

Gay Genitalia Specialist, Jack M’Cockov, Relaxing Before Inspecting The Anuses And Privy Parts Of Grace Church Seattle Members.

I learned my gay-sniffing skill from a Catholic priest who used to take me camping when I was 10,” Mr. M’Cockov said.  “He’d have me crawl into a sleeping bag with him and play, Sniff The Weenie And The Poopie, a game he swore would heighten my senses and protect me from perverts and gays throughout my entire life.  Well, it worked.  And it’s now a skill Mrs. Faust has hired me to use to sniff out the gays and perverts who might very well be lurking within the doors of her very own Church.   Let’s hope Mr. Faust isn’t one of them, however.  I can’t imagine Katy spreading her vile form of bigotry and hatred without his help.  I’ll be publishing a very public paper on my findings when I’m finished sniffing around, so watch for it.  Until then, may the all-encompassing love of Jesus Christ surround you, and keep you free from prejudice, each and every day of your lives.  Amen”

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35 thoughts on “Grace Church Seattle To Implement A Genitalia Inspection For All Members

  1. I can’t tell if this is satire—’cause Grace Church is such a bunch of wacko nutjobs. Are they really hiring some dude to inspect genitalia for signs of gayness are they? Because that seems gay to me.

  2. “So, I was hired to sniff the anuses and genitalia of every Church member to check them for the scent of gayness.”
    I just died!

  3. Hey he is the same guy who trained Ted Arthur Haggard right? Hugs

  4. I wonder how all of those closeted gay x-ians feel right about now? The gay sniffer might sniff them out!

    Reminds me of the old fasioned witch hunters of old. Give these fuckers an inch they will take a mile. I know this is satire of course 🙂 but when satire strikes so close to the truth, it is good satire.

  5. LMAO — I’m sorry I can’t come up with something more original, but right now my side hurts.

  6. . .. aaahhh. ..so THIS is your blog. . . too funny!

    Just one suggestion/correction. Shouldn’t that be, “I’ll be publishing a PUBIC paper”? 🙂

  7. Ouch

    • I told you, don’t SIT on the nose when it’s sniffing! You’re liable to hurt yourself. 🙂

    • Is that some sort of veiled anti-semitism or anti-italianism?

    • Huh? Oh, the nose thing. No. I’m telling John not to sit on the nose that’s sniffin’ his arse. He might injure himself! 🙂 Hadn’t heard nose jokes about Italians and had to think quite a bit about the Jewish one. Haven’t heard that one in years.

    • I was thinking specifically of Adrien Brody…

    • Ah. Excellent actor. Actually never thought about his ethnicity. Hopefully he’s successful enough as an actor as to not have to supplement his income with sniffing genitalia and arses in search of gayness. I doubt it’s much fun. My own ethnicity is that of a small band of Western Pacific Islanders known as “Wise-asses”. We’re notorious for our big mouths and smart-ass opinions. 😀

    • Off-topic: but aren’t y’all cannibals, who enjoy eating “long-pigs”? I’ve heard “they” love American “blood”. [ /sarcasm off ]

    • Well, I’m a cannibal, and I love christian flesh, but, I fail to see how that has anything to do with a dude who can smell “gayness” from one’s anus and gentiles.

    • Ah, yes, I guess that cannibals (no offense) come awfully close to “gayness”, meaning they can “smell” a good meal. Eww. Never mind.

    • Naw. I’m a bi-partisan cannibal. I’ll eat anyone who believes in a deity. That’s my specialty. I also poison christian wells, but, please don’t tell the FBI. They’re looking for me for some reason. $Allahu Akbar$

    • And, who are the “y’all” you’re referring to? Don’t confuse my craving for the flesh of baby christians with that of my readers. For all I know, my readers may very well love the flesh of Hindus. Who the fuck am I to say. $Allahu Akbar$

  8. Su-perb 😉

  9. Pingback: Grace Church Seattle To Implement A Genitalia Inspection For All Members (Superb Satire) | The Pink Agendist

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