07.27.15
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This Week’s Advice From Christ

Now for another question to Christ from one of our billions of loyal readers.

 

Dear Jesus Christ, I hope you can help me with my problem. I just LOVE freshly grown tomatoes picked from the garden. So, I planted a few tomato plants earlier this summer, but they're not growing. I put them in a shady spot, the soil I planted them in is nitrogen deprived and full of clay. I really thought it wouldn't matter that I planted the tomatoes in such poor conditions because I pray over them daily asking you, dear Lord, to make them healthy and strong. They're not. They're dying, and I'm VERY frustrated. Why aren't you answering my prayers and making my tomato plants strong and healthy? Am I not praying hard enough? I'm at my wits end. Please help me understand what I'm doing wrong. Thank you, Republican Presidential Candidate, Jeb Bush

Dear Jesus Christ, I hope you can help me with my problem. I just LOVE freshly grown tomatoes picked from the garden. So, I planted a few tomato plants earlier this summer, but they’re not growing. I put them in a shady spot, and the soil I planted them in is nitrogen deprived and full of clay. I really thought it wouldn’t matter that I planted the tomatoes in such poor conditions because I pray over them daily asking you, dear Lord, to make them healthy and strong. They’re not. They’re dying, and I’m VERY frustrated. Why aren’t you answering my prayers and making my tomato plants grow strong and healthy? Am I not praying hard enough? I’m at my wit’s end. Please help me understand what I’m doing wrong.     Thank you for your prompt, pertinent reply, Republican Presidential Candidate, Jeb Bush

 

 

Dear Jeb, you're an idiot. Do you honestly think I sit around all day helping people's tomato plants grow because they pray to me to do that? Are you insane? You plant your tomatoes in poor soil, in an area with too little light, and then expect to get good fruit from them by praying to me? And I thought your brother and father were idiots! Get a life, Jeb. And stop bothering me with stupid shit like this. Love always, your friend, Jesus

Dear Jeb, you’re an idiot. Do you honestly think I sit around all day helping people’s tomato plants grow because they pray to me to do it? Are you insane? You plant your tomatoes in poor soil, in an area with too little light, and then expect to get good fruit from them by praying to me? And I thought your brother and father were idiots! Get a life, Jeb. And stop bothering me with stupid shit like this.   Love always, your friend, Jesus Christ

27 thoughts on “This Week’s Advice From Christ”

  1. I swear the entire family is stupider than brain dead dogs…sorry I had a brain freeze and couldn’t think of anything stupid enough

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  2. Pingback: This Week’s Advice From Christ | Scotties Toy Box

  4. Something something fig tree.

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  5. By listening to conservatives, I wouldn’t have thought that Hey-Soos was much into science. Guess I shouldn’t be listening to conservatives!

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  6. He moves in peculiar ways you know!

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  7. Now, you see, that’s science! You’ve devised a simple test for the effectiveness of prayer. Kindergarten kids can do this, and learn science!

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  8. Funny, back when I considered myself somehwt religious, this is basically the same exact answer I got for all of my prayers!

    Fucking bastard!

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  9. Hey Jeez, you should have told us what’s keeping you so busy. I suspect you’re watching re-runs of Blue Bulls rugby matches. I know you’re a Bulls fan – I’ve seen some of them praying every time they do something good on the field.

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