Greetings ACP readers and welcome to the first ever edition of Advice From Christ. Jesus, being the close personal friend of mine he is, has agreed to answer one question a week from one the hundreds of millions of people who read this blog regularly. Today’s question comes from a 14-year-old follower of the site named Mary Sweetness who asks:
Jesus, My Boyfriend Is Insisting That We Go All The Way On Our Next Date Or He’ll Leave Me For Someone Who Will. I Really Like Him And Don’t Want To Lose Him, But I’m Still A Virgin And Really Not Ready Yet To Go All The Way. What Should I Do? Thanks.
Mary, I’ll Be Blunt. Your Boyfriend Sounds Like A Real Asshole. He’s Trying To Force You Into Something You’re Obviously Not Ready For. Dump The Son Of A Bitch. He’s A Wife-Abusing Misogynist In The Making And You Don’t Need Him. Save Yourself For When You Feel You Are Ready. The Right Boy Will Appreciate You For It. Just Remember To Use A Condom When You Do Have Sex. I Wouldn’t Want You To Get An STD Or Become Pregnant When You Didn’t Want To. Hope You Find This Advice Helpful, Jesus.
The Arm Chair Pontificator 
I’d comment, but I’m afraid Central America might get squished.
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You’re very kind.
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Awesome, and at the risk of repeating myself, hilarious!
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I thank you, and Jesus thanks you.
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Some irony there perhaps? What with Mary getting knocked up by a dog. No coincidence your advice seeker is named Mary?
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“Irony is a bitch that quacks twice.” Neil Armstrong, 1969
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Brill x
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Thanks, my friend. 🙂
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No, Popie and all those old men in funny hats do not approve of CONDOMS! Don’tcherknow?
Tell her to take two aspirins: One to hold between her knees and the other instead.
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You outta open your own advice column. You can compete with JC’s. 😀
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Sound advice. At least Jesus had something going on for him
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He was a handsome bloke, too.
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Was he white or coloured
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Well, we’re all colored. I don’t know anyone who is without color. Jesus was most likely a brown skinned fellow with kinky hair. He most certainly wasn’t a lily white Anglo-Saxon Protestant. I’m a two foot tall fat guy who’s as white as a bag of marsh mellows with a bolt of lightening glued to my hand. Just thought I’d toss that out there. 😀
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That settles it. Now we all know Jesus was a brown guy not too tall.
I hope he didn’t wear those crazy huts
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I think he wore flowers in his hair.
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Is it just me, or does Jesus in this picture resemble artists’ depictions of Homo neanderthalensis?
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Could be. That’s a pic of him by artists who were trying to draw him as he actually would have looked. Apparently, Jesus wasn’t a member of the Aryan race of people. Odd, eh? 🙂
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Oh, that’s where I saw that pic before… thanks! Jesus certainly ain’t no whitey!
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No. He sure wasn’t. 🙂
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Sound
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Wise fella, that Jesus.
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