The Arm Chair Pontificator Is Proud To Present, Advice From Christ

Greetings ACP readers and welcome to the first ever edition of Advice From Christ.   Jesus, being the close personal friend of mine he is, has agreed to answer one question a week from one the hundreds of millions of people who read this blog regularly.   Today’s question comes from a 14-year-old follower of the site named Mary Sweetness who asks:

Jesus, my boyfriend is insisting that we go all the way on our next date or he'll leave me for someone who will.  I really like him and don't want to lose him, but I'm really not ready yet to go all the way.  What should I do?  Thanks.

Jesus, My Boyfriend Is Insisting That We Go All The Way On Our Next Date Or He’ll Leave Me For Someone Who Will. I Really Like Him And Don’t Want To Lose Him, But I’m Still A Virgin And Really Not Ready Yet To Go All The Way. What Should I Do? Thanks.

 

Mary, I'll Be Blunt.  Your Boyfriend Sounds Like A Real Asshole.  He's Trying To Force You Into Something You're Obviously Not Ready For.  Dump The Son Of A Bitch.  He's A Wife-Abusing Misogynist In The Making And You Don't Need Him.  Save Yourself For When You Feel You Are Ready.  The Right Boy Will Appreciate You For It.  Just Remember To Use A Condom When You Do Have Sex.  I Wouldn't Want You To Get An STD Or Become Pregnant When You Didn't Want To Be.  Hope This Helps You, Jesus.

Mary, I’ll Be Blunt. Your Boyfriend Sounds Like A Real Asshole. He’s Trying To Force You Into Something You’re Obviously Not Ready For. Dump The Son Of A Bitch. He’s A Wife-Abusing Misogynist In The Making And You Don’t Need Him. Save Yourself For When You Feel You Are Ready. The Right Boy Will Appreciate You For It. Just Remember To Use A Condom When You Do Have Sex. I Wouldn’t Want You To Get An STD Or Become Pregnant When You Didn’t Want To. Hope You Find This Advice Helpful, Jesus.

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22 thoughts on “The Arm Chair Pontificator Is Proud To Present, Advice From Christ

  1. I’d comment, but I’m afraid Central America might get squished.

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  2. Awesome, and at the risk of repeating myself, hilarious!

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  3. Some irony there perhaps? What with Mary getting knocked up by a dog. No coincidence your advice seeker is named Mary?

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  4. No, Popie and all those old men in funny hats do not approve of CONDOMS! Don’tcherknow?

    Tell her to take two aspirins: One to hold between her knees and the other instead.

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  5. Sound advice. At least Jesus had something going on for him

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  6. Is it just me, or does Jesus in this picture resemble artists’ depictions of Homo neanderthalensis?

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