Howdy y’all. My name is Gus O’pinon and I gots me a ‘pinion on ever’thin’ there is, wus, or ever’s gonna be. I gots me a 5th grade edjucashun to back it all up, too. I been dishin’ out ‘pinions ever since my momma squeezed me outta ‘er ‘gina in a Fort Wayne, Indiana, tool shed 47 year’ ago. Matter ‘o fact, my momma tol’ me I said my firs’ words the minute I come outta ‘er: “Fer Chris’ sake,” I said, “dat wus a helluva trip!” So grab a brew, sit yerself back, and relax. I’m gonna give y’all some ‘o my more pop’lar ‘pinions on things, and my ‘pinion on that is, yer gonna love it.
1.) Global warming: If yer friggin’ globe is gettin’ warm, put da dang thing in yer fridge fer a few hours ta cool it off. Don’t make no damn sense t’all why so many people worry ’bout somethin’ dats so easy ta fix. Aint thinkin’ is all. Silly.
2.) The Tea Party: Now ‘eres a batch ‘o knuckleheads if I’d ever seen ’em. Group of folk havin’ a dang party jus’ ta drink tea?! Fer Chris’ sake, how dumb kin ya be? If yer gonna have a god dang party and not be drinkin’ whiskey, then ya ain’t havin’ a real party, and I’m dang happy y’all didn’t invite me. Again, what’s the fuss all ’bout? These folk are BORIN’! Dats all I gots ta say on dat.
3.) Gay Marriage: Hell, my Uncle Jody dated a billy-goat named Sally for 16 years. He was da happiest man I ever knowed, too. People dat are all grewed up knows what makes ’em happy. Ain’t none ‘o our biz’ness ta tellz people who ta love and who ta marry. Dats dat. God dang it all!
4.) Legalized Marijuana: I been smokin’ weed ever since my momma ‘n me started growin’ it to supplement our moonshine sellin’ when I was no more ‘n 7. I say keep it illegal ta sell ’cause dat way, momma ‘n me kin keep on makin’ all the money we makes sellin’ it. Ain’t no fool gonna git from us what he kin git in a drug store all legal like. Git my meanin’?
5.) Evolution vs Creationism: Anybody ‘volved enough ta read da damn Bible outta be smart ’nuff ta see it don’t make no damn sense a’tall ta believe what der readin’ is meant ta be takin’ literal like. Some dang idjits just can’t not be idjits. I’d rather talk ta a skeeter dats bitin’ me than one ‘o those creation types. Idjits. The whole lot of ’em are gosh dang idjits. And dat is all I gots ta say on dat. I’ll be back ta give y’all more ‘o my ‘pinions in a week or so. ‘Bye fer now.