By This Sign, Ted Cruz Will Conquer
Alberta, Canada. Canadian Citizen and Republican Presidential hopeful, Ted Cruz, today said he had a powerful vision last night that ensured him he would not only become President of America in 2016, but Emperor of the world as well. “I was sitting in my 60 million dollar mansion, contemplating ways to efficiently kill poor people, gays, and liberals,” Mr. Cruz said, “when the GOP logo appeared and spoke to me. Here’s what it said.
Greetings, my Canadian, conservative, filthy rich friend. I’ve come to you to let you know, that because I’ve come to you, you now have the right to kill anyone who doesn’t think I actually came to you. Also, I’ve come to tell you, that because I’ve come to you, you will not only win the Presidency in 2016, you will conquer the world and become its first Emperor as well. To do this, you must use your vast riches to purchase a few hundred military drones, arm them with nuclear missiles, paint the GOP logo on them, and send them to annihilate the poorest countries of the world and all the gay neighborhoods in the U.S. Once you show the world and America what you’re all about, they’ll have no choice but to name you President and Emperor of the World. By this sign, my Canadian friend, you will conquer.
Canadian, Republican Presidential Hopeful, And Soon To Be World Emperor, Ted Cruz
After that, the GOP logo vanished, and I started buying drones and nuclear missiles to conquer the world. Like it or not, I will be President and Emperor of the World in 2016. The GOP logo told me so.”
The Arm Chair Pontificator 
Of course, you understand that the stars on the Republican elephant Logo are upside down? You know–the symbol for Satan!
Interesting that no conservative religious fanatic ever questions that, but were it on the Democratic Logo . . . :O
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Indeed. They’d be burning Democrats at the stake. 🙂
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You “nailed” it! 😀
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$Amen$
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Incidentally, have you ever heard of the online cartoon, Jesus and Mo? http://www.jesusandmo.net/
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I haven’t, but thanks for the link. It looks hilarious.
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You are quite welcome and yes, it is hilarious. The author, for obvious reasons, does not give out his name or location, and is just referred to as “Author.” The site as been around for quite a while. I’m surprised that there’ve been no riots and multiple murders over it.
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Christian wackos haven’t gotten to that point here yet, but, given time and the ass-kissing deferential treatment they receive from our government, I’m confident they eventually will.
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Maybe it’s time to corner the stone market?
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Bought stock in it yesterday. 🙂
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LOL 😀
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My but your so perceptive…you know he would do this..you just know he thinks with his ego, his brains ( not ) he should be ruler of all the human race and the rest of earths creatures should be his shooting gallery. Totally in Ted Cruz mind… Your awesome. Thanks for the smiles..and a few nightmares. Hugs
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$Amen$ and $Hallelujah$
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🙂
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I haven’t had the occasion to smile all that much the last few days but, you my friend, have managed to raise a laugh. Thank you for that 🙂
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Make sure to check out this post then. It’ll make ya smile more. 🙂 https://variouspontifications.com/2015/04/17/famous-bearded-women-in-history/
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I’d already read it by the time I saw this comment 🙂 It did make me smile more – there were no scary overtones in that one!
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No scary overtones? Did you get a look at Martha Washington?! 🙂
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Haha, you got a point there…..but your first post was scarier and you know what I mean! Did you ever read The Dead Zone by Stephen King? Your post made me think of it….
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Love that book, and the movie, too, with Christopher Walken. They did a TV series of it too with the guy from the Breakfast Club. His name eludes me at the moment. Glad you like the post. $Amen$
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I read the book and saw the movie but not the TV series. Yeah I liked it, as I like all your posts:)
You have a great saturday night my hilarious friend 🙂
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You too.
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As I was reading, I was thinking to myself, this is not satire. This is for real. John shared an article that’s taken quotes from a video I posted on FB a few weeks back after Cruz announced he was running for president. It was a sermon his dad, Rafael Cruz, gave at a mega church in Texas. Scary stuff.
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I know. Here I was thinking I’m just making this shit up, but, no, the reality of the situation is scary and far more sickening. What a fucked up country we live in.
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Indeed.
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Reblogged this on Nick Thiwerspoon.
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Thanks for the re-blog. 🙂
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Well Putin does need a new chew toy. The current one just sits there making farting noises every time Putin bites down on the rubbery buttocks part. 🙂
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Great point.
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As it is written, so shall it be done.
Aside from all of Cruz’s ridiculousness, what I despise about him most is his dishonesty. Nearly everything he says and does is calculated in the most sinister way. He is the embodiment of the cynical, conniving politician with a purposeful mission. He reminds me of Joe McCarthy from the 1950s.
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Yes. Great comparison.
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IF he gets elected, the end of the world would be a blessing….
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Oh lordy be! Please let him not get elected! I seriously doubt he’ll get the Republican nomination. We’ll be blessed with the third coming of Bush in that department, I’m sure.
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Almost as bad (sigh)….
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Yes, indeed.
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It would be a blessing.
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$Amen$
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You, Sir, a freaking Prophet!!! Well, you know that already, but I’m here to confirm it. Ted Cruz has indeed been appointed the savior, the King.
Read this madness:
http://aattp.org/flashback-rafael-cruz-calls-son-ted-cruz-an-anointed-king-responsible-for-the-end-time-transfer-of-wealth/
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Wow! I’m tellin’ ya, you can’t write satire as good as that, and, it’s REAL! Jesus, are these people shit-heads! “A King responsible for the end-time transfer of wealth.” OMFG! But thanks for the link, cause it had a link on it to a petition I signed to voice my disapproval of another Bush running for the Presidency. I don’t know who’s the bigger idiots, people like Cruz and Bush, or the fuckin’ idiots who vote them into offices thinking they’ll help anyone but themselves and the rich. I’m hopin’ this idiot “Barry” from Mak’s blog pops up here so he can write wonderful things about me without his knowledge. I sufficiently pissed em off, so he might. It’s fun pissin’ off idjits! I likes it! 🙂
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Wild, huh? Ted is the Messiah! Well, of sorts. And the whole “transfer of wealth” thing sounds awfully socialisticy, don’t you think?
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I do.
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You mean to say he is a messiah! Now even Jesus refused to acknowledge he was, that is, if the story is to be believed
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Apparently, Ted isn’t as modest as Jesus was. 🙂
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It does appear so
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Saw him on TV – what a twat…WW3 if he gets near The White House.
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He’s quite the asshole.
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