God
God today released a rather unexpected message regarding the Apocalypse. “Dear humans, I have some bad news and some good news for you. I’ll start with the bad: the Apocalypse is coming, and soon. Now for the good news: it will only affect Christians. Yep. You heard me right. The Apocalypse will be here in just a few days but will only affect Christians. I’m gonna vaporize the little whining bitches and blast their atoms across the cosmos. The rest of you won’t be affected at all, except for the fact you will no longer have to listen to homophobic, end of days bullshit from Christians. I, myself, just can’t stand to hear it anymore. I don’t know how the rest of humanity deals with these self-aggrandizing idjits who point their fingers at others condemning them in my name for things I don’t give a shit about. Who are they to even remotely think they’ve a right to speak for me? Assholes! And another thing that just grinds my panties into a ball is that SO many of them completely refuse to use the brain they’ve been given. They continually deny scientific realities like evolution and geology by saying the universe is only 6000 years old and man and modern apes did not evolve over millions of years from a common ancestor. IDIOTS!
The Christians Are In BIG Trouble With God!
Therefor, since they talk of an Apocalypse so much, I’ve decided to give them one, but ONLY them. I’m vaporizing them into non-existence. They aren’t going to Hell. They aren’t going to Purgatory, and they aren’t going to Heaven. They’re getting blasted into the nothingness from whence all things came, including me. Yes, this is bad news for Christians, but, for the rest of you normal humans, I’ve a feeling you’ll be quite pleased by my decision. Now, if you’ll excuse me, Leonard Nimoy and I are having dinner to discuss my ideas for a new Star Trek film about Spock’s adventures in the afterlife. Goodbye.”
The Arm Chair Pontificator 
Popcorn anyone?
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Put butter on mine, and save me an aisle seat. 🙂
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Front row? Left, right or center?
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Center.
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Reserved.
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Gracias.
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De nada.
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Juan Carlos.
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I want a beard like that!
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Gotta rub communion wine into your face to get it from what I’ve read. 🙂
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Seems legit. Maybe have some wafers at hand to soak up the excess. Yummy.
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Great idea. 🙂
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Now, that is a road to universal empathy I didn’t imagine. And vaporize all fundamentalists of the Abrahamic religions with them. That would take care of ISIS and Lindsey Olin Graham, et al, at the same time.
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$Amen$ to that brother!
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i see santa was made in G-d’s image…also, since i’m jewish, i will still be here to sing that apocalypse song
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You shall be spared the wrath of god/Santa. 🙂
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thank-you.after you hear me sing, you may change your mind. 🙂
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🙂
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I am breathing a sigh of relief; but still keeping my fingers crossed. God’s long been a joker who likes to tease people into hope, only to disappoint. I wouldn’t be surprised if he turned christians into giant lions, devouring all non-believers. We would not be ‘left behind,’ but leavings from lion behinds. That would feel pretty shitty.
But if the lions over-ate, they would not be raptured but only ruptured in the bowels. Actually, I hope to be so eaten, I would love to rupture a christian lion’s belly!
(Once again hell seems more appealing than heaven – but doesn’t it always?)
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It always does. An eternity in heaven with christians is truly a hellish concept.
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Can’t you include the Muslims in this, too? Please?
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Don’t rush God. I’m sure he’ll get to it. He’s a busy fellow, what with producing movies and all.
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I understand 🙂
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Thanks. Now, if only god could get certain christians to simply answer a yes or no question without 7000 words of twisted bullshit nonsense instead. 🙂
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Haha! True. “I will not answer because by doing so I will demonstrate that you are right, and I can’t allow that, therefore, watch my bullshit dance…”
Funny people.
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Funny. Especially how insane the lengths are they go through to not answer a simple question. That, plus the effort they go through trying make it seem as if you are the idiot for not getting the nonsense they’re spewing is akin to a live wire circus act with nothing to break the inevitable fall they’re headed for. Ugh.
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I love this god! Poetic justice par excellence!
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And he’s handsome to boot. 🙂
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Great work God and good idea, but how can we keep some nutty power hungry dickhead from starting another majorly screwed up self serving religion? Ideas welcome…and thanks for the relief no matter how short it lasts. Hugs
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One problemo at a time, my friend. Don’t rush God. It might piss ’em off. 🙂
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🙂 grand
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how soon is this happening? am tired of those idjits
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Hopefully in the next week. God seemed REALLY pissed when he stopped by to tell me this news. 🙂 Can’t say I blame him.
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I, too, would be pissed. It should happen quick.
Will he vaporise the IS too
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Didn’t say, though I imagine so. They too are idjits.
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God speaks with a Russian accent. Who knew?
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Only on Saturdays. Weekdays it’s a Hungarian accent.
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Haha.
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And on Sunday’s, it’s French. Go figure, eh?
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If you go to the Middle East, god becomes a monoglot and speaks only in Arabic. You would think it would be fluent in all languages
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That’s just one of the great mysteries of the thing. That, and the fact it doesn’t exist.
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