Carry A Concealed Firearm, It’s The Law

 Obey The Law, Carry A Concealed Gun

Obey The Law & Carry Concealed Firearms

The NRA’s new, “Just Arm Everyone” law went into effect today after the NRA spent months lobbying, and many believe, threatening, Congress to make it an amendment to the US Constitution. NRA lobbyist, Cardinal James P. Edophile, released the following statement this morning. “Good morning America. Welcome to your first day of true freedom. You are now armed and ready. Ready to defend your new freedom by putting a bullet through the brain of anyone stupid enough to question just how true it really is. America has been a country manipulated by limp-wristed, sissified, atheist liberals for far too long now. Christian values must be reinserted into its political circulatory system and firearms must be used to ensure pansy-ass liberals don’t draw them back out again. For without conservative Christian values, true freedom can not truly exist in America.

His & Her Easy To Conceal Handguns

His & Her Easy To Conceal Handguns

We here at the NRA knew that deadly force would be needed in order to motivate Congress to return true freedom to America.The rumors you’ve heard are, indeed, true. Implanted NRA members forced Congress, at gun point, to alter the US Constitution by adding the “Just Arm Everyone” amendment to it. We did it for you America. We know that each of you values freedom the same exact way we do. Thus, we’ve made it illegal AND unconstitutional for anyone to NOT have a concealed firearm on them at all times. We expect these firearms to be used to kill people who express an opinion on true freedom which differs, even in the slightest, from ours. This is the only way to guarantee true freedom for every American. Oh, and starting tomorrow, anyone found not to be in possession of a concealed firearm will be summarily executed on the spot; their bodies left behind to rot away in reeking decay as a warning to anyone foolish enough not to follow the law. (We added that last bit as a rider to the amendment at the last-minute. Pretty neat, eh?) True freedom can once more ring out throughout this great land of ours, for the NRA has ensured its safety by arming each and every last one of its citizens with a firearm.”


49 thoughts on “Carry A Concealed Firearm, It’s The Law

  1. Don’t laugh, my friends. This just might be a whole lot closer to reality than most of us would like to believe.

    • It is. That’s what makes it as creepy as it is silly. 🙂

    • Robert is right-on! I live with a gun-toter and to him what the NRA says is gospel. In fact, I wouldn’t be all that surprised if he would support the scenario you presented. Ick. Ugh. Shudder.

      In his defense, he is a sensible gun owner, but that doesn’t take away from the fact he LOVES his guns!

    • I know several sensible gun owners and they too love their guns. I find that disturbing. I think it’s a power thing maybe. Guns make some feel invincible. I feel a lot less safer knowing so many people have weapons, even sensible folks. Just isn’t needed and only bad shit ever comes from it. 🙂

  2. you would honestly think the christian would oppose the guns if they could read their book just a little.
    You have Jeebus saying those who live by the sword die by the sword. He rebukes Peter for cutting off an ear and then tells them to turn a cheek to the offending party not raise a volley of bullets. Funny people really

  3. This is the Onion quality, my friend. Brilliant.

  4. incredible, it is as if you were there at their meeting when all this took place, you were hearing their thoughts as they held congress at gun point. The problem every male in congress got into an argument over whose gun was bigger and whose ammo was hung the lowest and which one had the best looking stock. Ah the good old days of the pecking order now gone with the bang of a…gavel. Thanks this was a brilliant satire. Great job. Hugs

  5. This has got to be one of your strongest efforts! The reason I like it so much is because it rapes the meaning of the word ‘freedom’ as if it’s Jodie Foster in ‘The Accused’…which is exactly what’s happening in real life. The word ‘freedom’ is being used more and more in aid of policy that does anything but create freedom. People merely change the meaning of the word ‘freedom’ throw it around like candy. It’s really disgusting, as your post so accurately shows.

    Also, why does the weapon HAVE to be concealed? I mean, if everybody’s wearing one, what’s the point in concealing it any longer? I imagine the next debate will be between conservatives, who feel firearms need to be concealed like Pat Robertson’s rentboys, and liberals, who feel it’s okay to flaunt one’s firearm.

    Awesome post!

  6. “Ridendo castigat mores.” was one of the first proverbs we were taught in elementary school, as part of our Latin heritage. 50 years after, it still proves to be the best! Well, after “Make love, not war.”☺

    • “Correcting fucked up customs/practices by mocking/laughing at them.” Correct sure. And I consider that quite the compliment. Thank you.

    • Amen!

    • Imperious Rex! Only problem with satire, is most of the idiots I aim it at are too stupid to get it. Oh well, all one can do is try.

    • Worry not! The few who understand, may be the few who would think of changing…
      This is how I started my transition from a fully fledged, graduate and post-graduate minister, to the undersigned, Jew(ish…), agnostic humanist…
      It took me about five years, and counting!

    • That’s good to know. Hopefully I can bring one or two more into the flock of the divine “I Have No Fucking Idea” answer to the “Well, then asshole, if you see no evidence for Jesus, then how the fuck do you explain the universe and the meaning of life?” Were you studying, as a cultural Jew, to be a Christian minister, or were you studying to be a Rabbinical minister, if there is such a thing? Just curious. It is still hard for me to say I’m a non-believer or a-theist, because the evilness I’ve been conditioned to associate with those words makes me feel dirty saying them. That doesn’t stop me, though. Especially because I know it gets people’s panties in a bunch when I do. Also, I’ve always been a non-believer but never realized it until I figured out a-theism did not mean evil. My gut answer to the “How can evil exist if God is all good,” waste of energy question has always been “because there is no god or devil, there is just what is and the meaning of it comes from what we project on to it.” A-theist. That’s me. Oh, and I feast on Christian infants, but keep quiet about that. It’s illegal.

    • Well my friend, I’ve been one of those descendants of crypto Jews, whose ancestors either fled persecution and are lost, or took up xtianity in order to survive. In my case, my heritage surfaced when I was in my 30s, but some newcomer american missionaries convinced me that Cheesus is the Jewish messiah, but ultimately asked I remove my kippah and obey Pauline doctrines. I tend to be extremely serious in what I do, so I went on studying all I could, and did practical ministry all along. After 20 years, with all logical/rational data at hand, I was confident Cheesus is NOT the long -and still- awaited messiah, and having arrived to that conclusion, it meant ALL xtianity has never had the OT foundation it requires in order to exist. To sum it up, it meant I followed a pile of cleverly concocted sh*t for 20 years.
      But, arriving to that conclusion, meant that I have to practically proof check Judaism, at the end of which I concluded that it has no religious legitimacy at least since 70 AD, when Titus destroyed the Temple, and all was replaced with Talmudism, which is the “Catholicism” of the once Temple based Judaism.
      And since god’s usual 400 years of deafness are long gone, I assumed he’s run out of fuel for returning, is dead, or any other scenario which leaves me looking for inspiration in your blog, or any other sane place☺

    • Fascinating history lesson. Thanks. I always wondered, as a Catholic growing up, what happened to the Jewish part of the New Testament. Jesus would’ve been a Rabbi. A Jewish Rabbi. But none of that is in TNT. Then I learned about St. Paul and saw the light. That’s why there’s no Jesus left in Christianity. Paul took the Jewishness out of TNT and made it his book. And, now I truly see the heavy antisemitism in the the crucifixion tale. Jews did NOT crucify anyone, nor did the fucking Pharisees go to Pilot with a bloody Jewish theological dispute. Pilot would have crucified them for bothering him. If Christ was real and was indeed crucified, the Romans did it because he did something to piss them off, and it wasn’t because the Pharisees were upset. Bloody religion. Subjective tripe.

  7. Those his ‘n’ hers guns…. are they actually real? Please tell me they’re not????

    • I’m sure they are. I found the picture online, and made the caption up, but I’m quite certain that his and her concealable firearms exist. It’s now legal for people in Chicago, where I live to carry concealed firearms as long as the gun they’re concealing is licensed. That was my motivation for this bit. People can go to a bar with a gun in their back pocket, get drunk, and fucking shoot at each other here. What a fucked up sense of morality we here in America have. And the NRA is about as fundie Christian as you can get. Jesus + guns. Too good to make up, but scary cause it’s very real.

    • Chicago? Isn’t that supposed to be obama’s backyard?
      That’s horrendous! I thought it first to be one of your ex-cathedra pontificates, but man this is s**t!
      I wouldn’t feel safe anywhere!

    • Yes. Obama’s from here. We have the highest murder rate from gun shots here because of all the illegal gun activity in the public housing sections of the City. Mostly African-Americans live in those areas. Force people to live cramped together on top of one another, with 93% unemployment, and a horrific public education system, and bad shit happens because life loses meaning for so many. Racist mother fuckers just love this too. But one day a leader in those communities is gonna rise up to lead the armed army of young men that is in those areas and have them point those guns outside their community to demand social justice and change. Now we’ve got a fucking law that’s made Chicago like Texas and legally owned guns can be concealed and carried around. Ya. That’s gonna help things. Fuck.

    • Oh my sh*t!
      Man, that’s truly fuc**d up!
      The scenario is mostly unfortunate, but highly, possible, and history has proven it…
      You know, when I watched “Dredd”, I thought it to be exaggerated, but I guess it’s not…
      Take good care mate, we can’t afford to lose our “inspirator”!:-D

    • Naw. No one’s gonna shoot me. I’m too boring and I don’t hang in rough parts of town. i just don’t get the whole gun thing. Guess for some guns represent their dicks or something. Idiots.

    • BTW, I really liked Dredd. This new one was a lot better than the Stallone version done in the ’90’s. The character was spot on here.

    • Wees is big fans of Urban☺

    • Ya. He’s great. His Dr. McCoy in Star Trek is awesome as is his performance in LOTR.

  8. Satire that informs, scares and make the reader chuckle is satire at its very best. I must say the more I learn of some of your Christians the more I see where you are coming from! So glad religion – Muslims aside – is nothing more than a hobby for the few over here.

    • You are lucky. It’s actually a hobby for most people here, too. I was raised Catholic, went to Catholic school K through High School and have worked in some capacity for the Archdiocese of Chicago on and off for 35 years. We were taught science and the nuns would have knocked our heads off if we said evolution wasn’t real. In all that time, I’ve met only one person who actually takes Catholic dogma seriously. We were taught stuff no one practiced in reality and no one cared. My problem with the Catholic church is its underlying culture of pervasive, but denied, homosexual activities which often includes child rape and covering it up. It’s not the gay activity I criticize here, it’s the Church saying one thing while completely doing the opposite that bothers me. Though this has not happened to me, two priests I worked with closely over the years were removed from the priesthood by the church for their activities of rape. Inexcusable and unforgivable. The Vatican is corrupt morally and financially and since it is its own state, nothing can or will be done to change anything other than electing Pope Francis, who seems to be a good man, to distract the faithful so they stop asking uncomfortable questions of the Vatican high council. my biggest issue is with fundamentalist Christians whose righteous behavior reminds me of the Nazis. I write strong sided crewed satire directed at them because it’s therapeutic, because it shows the utter level of disrespect I have for them, and because I love pointing out just how bloody hypocritical those bastards are. It’s not Jesus who bothers me, it’s bloody Christians. And, they have entirely too much influence in politics here. Utterly disgusts me. I want them to know just how much they sicken me, for if evil exists, it is they who embody it most.

    • Thanks for that reply – the outline of what makes you tick makes me wish others could see things as you do and therefore make the world a much better place! Keep your quest going.

    • Thank you. I come on like a tank on my blog here, but it is a very deliberately focused tank I’m driving. I aggravate the shit out of the people I target with these bits, too. They try to respond, but I won’t approve their comments because I can give a shit what they have to say, but mainly I don’t approve them because it bothers the shit out of them that I don’t. I tell them this, too. I tell them they act like my puppies and I know exactly how to get them running toward me and they come, but they go away angry and frustrated every time they do. I’m a petty man, I know, but such small things give me such great satisfaction. Cause damn it all to hell, it’s a lot of fun to do.

  9. Do this people want a second civil war?

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