The NRA’s new, “Just Arm Everyone” law went into effect today after the NRA spent months lobbying, and many believe, threatening, Congress to make it an amendment to the US Constitution. NRA lobbyist, Cardinal James P. Edophile, released the following statement this morning. “Good morning America. Welcome to your first day of true freedom. You are now armed and ready. Ready to defend your new freedom by putting a bullet through the brain of anyone stupid enough to question just how true it really is. America has been a country manipulated by limp-wristed, sissified, atheist liberals for far too long now. Christian values must be reinserted into its political circulatory system and firearms must be used to ensure pansy-ass liberals don’t draw them back out again. For without conservative Christian values, true freedom can not truly exist in America.
We here at the NRA knew that deadly force would be needed in order to motivate Congress to return true freedom to America.The rumors you’ve heard are, indeed, true. Implanted NRA members forced Congress, at gun point, to alter the US Constitution by adding the “Just Arm Everyone” amendment to it. We did it for you America. We know that each of you values freedom the same exact way we do. Thus, we’ve made it illegal AND unconstitutional for anyone to NOT have a concealed firearm on them at all times. We expect these firearms to be used to kill people who express an opinion on true freedom which differs, even in the slightest, from ours. This is the only way to guarantee true freedom for every American. Oh, and starting tomorrow, anyone found not to be in possession of a concealed firearm will be summarily executed on the spot; their bodies left behind to rot away in reeking decay as a warning to anyone foolish enough not to follow the law. (We added that last bit as a rider to the amendment at the last-minute. Pretty neat, eh?) True freedom can once more ring out throughout this great land of ours, for the NRA has ensured its safety by arming each and every last one of its citizens with a firearm.”