03.02.15
by

Christian Apologist Says Theory Of Gravity Dumber Than Evolution

“As far as I’m concerned,” Christian apologist Richard Limp said today, “the outright stupidity of the theory of evolution has nothing on the COMPLETELY fucked up gravitational theory touted by physicists. Who, but a totally naive idiot, would believe we’re held on the Earth by some made up, invisible gravitational ‘field’? Ridiculous! As any true Christian can tell you, we are held on the Earth by a clump of Velcro-like material which God has lovingly inserted into each of our feet. You may find this hard to believe, but in spite of this in-arguable fact, I almost discarded it in favor of ‘gravity’ once myself. After viewing a Stephen Hawking science documentary one evening on PBS, I decided the theory of gravity made sense and the theory of Velcro didn’t.

My Favorite Teddy, Flea Bite, Drifting Toward Doom

Flea Bite, Drifting Toward A Ceiling Fan, Prior To Being Returned Safely To Earth By God

Just as I was about to fully commit to the theory of gravity however, my favorite Teddy Bear, Flea Bite, drifted up off the floor toward a twirling ceiling fan. Terrified he would be torn to shreds, I frantically begged God to forgive my temporary lack of sanity. He did, and he promptly returned Flea Bite to me safe and sound. I present this as conclusive evidence that the theory of gravity, like the theory of evolution, is nonsense. The only real science is the Bible and the only true scientist is God. Gravity! Some people will simply believe anything.”

78 thoughts on “Christian Apologist Says Theory Of Gravity Dumber Than Evolution”

  1. LOL mr. apologist’s name…isn’t that just like the real world, when your teddy drifts away call on G-d.

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  2. Wait, wait. He has an issue with something being INVISIBLE? headdesk

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  3. Flea Bite saved from being shredded into a zillion [synthetic] pieces! Praise the Lord!!! Gravity sucks anyway.

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  4. So if gravity is just a theory, why are there still monkeys? And if those monkeys had typewriters would bananas still fit perfectly in your hands?

    Stupid fucking creationists…

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  5. What if, just perhaps they are all wrong? I tend not to trust too much in fun-damn-mentalists of either ilk, whether they be theological or materialists. The Quantum folks fuck it up for both sides I guess. Many of those folk are still arguing about old Issac and his apple. As though matter was solid. What if it was energy frequencies perceived within certain parameters by a limited set of perceptions further influenced by what the observer of the apple is looking for? I think both camps are still a couple hundred years behind. God didn’t pose for selfies during the Renaissance and the earth after all is not flat. And if either’s main function is to convince and proselytize rather than understand they are both religions with similar piety and deserve each other. What seems to be true from each though, is that there indeed mystery in the universe and that its processes can be known to some extent. Before those truths we should all be humble cause we are a long way from exhausting those pursuits. Just what I was thinking. The piece was funny though. 🙂 Be Groovy!

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    • Very true words, in regards to something as ridiculous as gravity. If I hear one more S.O.B. proselytize about this invisible “field” that’s holding my fat-ass to the Earth, I’m gonna make lots of faces at ’em! Thanks for laughing. That, my friend, is what it’s all about. I likes ta bring smiles when I can. Plato is a great dude, BTW. BUT, the bastard owes me 500 from the Super Bowl. So, if you see him, tell ’em I’m lookin’ for him, and I ain’t just a shadow on some friggin’ cave wall that he can avoid forever. 🙂

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    • 🙂 I like it!

      He’s probably piled up with some ten year old boy that is singing an old song by George Michael. “Teacher . . . ” His groove and mine definitely took different turns at that point. But if I see that old bastard I will tell him. I’m guessing Protagoras fucked him up early and Plato sensed that there is a way things Ought to be somehow. Or not. Its fun. Thanks for letting me play.

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    • You betcha! We’re all only part of a big, fat computer program run by a British guy named Jeeves anyway. All else is pure speculation. Except gravity. That for sure we know is horse shit. 🙂

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    • Exactly! 🙂 Bet he knows where Plato is.

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    • Of course he does. He put him there. The bastard!

      Liked by 1 person

    • Crap, Jeeves is a freak too!

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    • He is, but he makes a helluva a martini.

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    • Just Damn.

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    • Was that a real guy or were you just saying christian apologists are limp dicks

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    • He’s as real as I needed him to be. 🙂

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    • 🙂 That’s funny!

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    • Thanks. I likes being funny. Except for when it comes to the total truth of the divine nature of Spiderman. Believe this, or admit you are a mother fucker. Period.

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    • My mother is dead. And our relationship was a private affair 🙂 I would need more proof than just your assesrtion of the existence of such a savior. Science can explain and theoretically replicate what he would do so there is no real need for him except to bring certain Marvel believers comfort. Mild mannered to the world but secretly overcoming evil thus healing or attempting to overcome their own experience of duality. Any number of psychologies and philosophies could address and/or replace the Spiderman narrative. I might could go as far as the archetypal or cosmic Spiderman but him in the flesh is a bit far for thinking people. Unless of course one presupposes an hollographic universe or includes Quantum mechanics or even Chaos theory in the mix. Then of course even the word Divine would need to be reexamined along with many of the other presuppositions on both sides of the argument. In which case perpahs both you and I could approach with humility the revelation of truth as it unfolds before us. Unless of course you would postulate that there is no ultimate truth. But that in itself is a statement of ultimate truth, only in the negative so at that point we arrive back at the beginning. 🙂

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    • Superman. You mean Superman. Cool. I love him too.

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    • No jimmy was mild mannered or a pussy if you will. I just can’t believe that he could spin a web any size like your hymn asserts. And Catching thieves “just like fiies.” How could you have a savior who treats people like insects? And if he can do whatever a spider can. Is it the combined “can-ness” of all spiders or just particular ones? I wanna believe. Help my unbelief

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    • Can’t. It’s a matter of faith. 🙂 Sorry.

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    • 🙂 Well ok. I was hoping you could explain what the whole spidey sense tingling thing was all about. I went to a Spidey Church one time and they were all tingly and jumping and turning flips. I was a bit unnerved and excused myself post haste.

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    • To the unbeliever, no explanation is good enough. Faith. Have it or be eaten by the Green Goblin in the next life. $Amen$

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    • OK I will stop. But its on you if I get eaten.

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    • Just use “Off” as an anti-perspirant, and you won’t get eaten.

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    • Thank you Pastor Divine1

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    • And me, being me, would NEVER imply anyone who rambled incoherently about a fictional being was a limp dick. Man, that’d be disrespectful and nasty. I’m a Spiderman apologist myself. He IS a real guy. 🙂

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  6. How many times am I going to choke on my food before I accept that I cannot eat while reading your posts? I am such a slow learner 😦
    I’m glad Flea Bite is okay though, that was a close call you heretic!

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  7. I wonder if gravity is not the property of a minor god it self. I base this on the fact that a running jump by my into the air and on to my bed. The most I can defeat gravity is about 1.5 to a slim 2 seconds. However my cats, who are convinced they are deities themselves have managed to achieve far more non-gravity bothered time. They seem to have a lot less trouble with the gravity god than we can manage. Have fun on your trip and enjoy your self. Hugs

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  8. Oh, come on dude. Of course we are held on the Earth by a clump of Velcro-like material which God has lovingly inserted into each of our feet. Geesh, where have you been?

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  9. I’m not buying it until Kanye West calls it fact. He’s the true God

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  10. I wonder why the creationists don’t attack the theory of gravity, nor refer to it dismissively as just a theory?

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    • Thanks. The pic of Robert Carlyle used for that fine article is from a one of the best cannibal movies ever made called “Ravenous.” Fine film if you’ve not seen it. Funny, gross, and a bit scary.

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  13. How else could jeebus walk on (liquid) water?

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