02.24.15
by

Higgs Boson Really Discovered By Aliens Says Conspiracy Expert

In a statement today which was marked with paranoia and excessive use of the words “clearly obvious”, James McDickel, official spokesman for the newly founded Conspiracy Party of America, proclaimed the Higgs boson was discovered by an alien race of really smart beings from a galaxy really far from here. “Just think about it folks,” McDickel said.

Conspiracy Party Spokesman, James McDickel.

Conspiracy Party Spokesman, James McDickel.

“Since it is clearly obvious that aliens built the pyramids in Egypt because ancient Egyptians, using only human ingenuity, perseverance, and a shit-load of people over a shit-load of time, were far too stupid to have done it alone, it only stands to reason that aliens also built the particle accelerator used in finding the Higgs boson. I gotta believe building a fucking machine that shoots subatomic particles around at the speed of light is far harder to build than a fucking pyramid. I, for one, couldn’t even conceive of such a thing, let alone build one, and I’m pretty damn smart. So clearly, it is obvious, that really smart aliens have once again built something really bitchin’ for us that we ourselves never could have done alone. It truly is time for us to give them the credit they deserve and stop pretending we’re capable of building wondrously amazing things all by ourselves.”

26 thoughts on “Higgs Boson Really Discovered By Aliens Says Conspiracy Expert”

  1. It is “clearly obvious” that this Conspiracy Party Spokesman is right. “Clearly and obviously” those fucking pyramids couldn’t have been built by the sheer ingenuity and hard work of the Egyptians. Even if the jews did help. I am “clearly and obviously” in awe of this JamesMcDickel and want to join the Conspiracy Party right away!

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  2. Do you think those super smart aliens could build me a cat litter box that the cats wont track half the cat litter out of it, yet will still use it? Also they could use a new cat condo. Hugs

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  3. Do you think those aliens were Christians?

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  4. Of course! It’s so friggin obvious, why didn’t I see this before? It all makes sense now…

    Thanks for bringing this to our attention, where does one sign up for the Conspiracy Party of America?

    I’ve probably told you this before, but check out:

    http://beforeitsnews.com/

    This is where satire becomes alternate reality. Some people should have their voting/reproductive rights restricted.

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    • Scary shit. I read it and think, “These stories HAVE to be satire!” But they’re not. Wow. As a species, we’re fucked. How do reasonably sane people compete for life’s resources with SO many knuckle-headed idjits?

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  5. Damn those aliens for coming up with all the great ideas!

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  6. Fantastic post!! Beam me back up to my homeland please? 😉

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  7. Sure, we traveled hundreds of light years at speeds that dwarf the speed of light, only to build a subway system that shoots particles at that speed. Makes total sense.

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