Free Will Hunting

By The Arm Chair Pontificator

By The Arm Chair Pontificator

Except for having my balls squeezed in a vice, there is little I find more excruciatingly painful than reading meandering diatribes on free will. I’m continually amazed at the masturbatory essays I come across online, usually written by TruChristians, that boldly proclaim how free each of us is to act as we want, when we want, simply by exercising our all-powerful will. There is not a shred of empirical evidence to prove such a ridiculous hypothesis, nor will there ever be. In fact, all evidence points to the contrary. We are not free. We do not control our destiny. We did not choose to be born. We did not choose when we were born nor to whom. We did not choose which country to be born in nor in which century. We did not choose our race, our gender, our sexual orientation nor our eye and hair color. We also did not choose whether or not to be born with or without genetic defects. We did not choose whether we were born into poverty or wealth or into an Islamic, atheist, or Catholic family. We did not choose whether we were loved, or neglected and abused, by our parents and/or primary care givers as children.freewilll88 As infants we can choose nothing. Everything we are and need comes from outside us. Everything. We are not free. We are an accumulation of all our external experiences. These form our thoughts, our values, and the beliefs we have about ourselves and the world around us. The few choices in life we have are not ones of our own choosing. I can not be an African-American woman judge on the Supreme Court, no matter how free my will is, as I’m neither a woman, an African-American, nor a judge. I could choose to torture myself and find a way through law school and, maybe, become some sort of judge, but, still, I can never become an African-American woman no matter how hard I tried. My choice of choices in life are not mine to choose. They were given to me by the world I was born into and by my parents’ DNA.

Free Will Shopping Cart

My Free Will Shopping Cart

I’ve searched high and low to find signs of free will recently. “Maybe I’m wrong,” I told myself. “Maybe free will does exist, and I’ve just not found it yet.” So, I got myself a shopping cart and went looking for free will in stores all throughout Chicago, my home town. I went to Goodwill stores, Sears, Wal-Mart, JC Penny, and even a place called Used Wills ‘R Us, but I could find no will that was free; none cost less than $7.98. But, then, serendipity struck, and I found one on Ebay for $7.94. So, I bought it. It wasn’t free, but I figured, “WTF, it’s still pretty cheap, and if a cheap will is even remotely close to a free one, then maybe I can use it to will myself into being reborn into a family of kind, loving multi-billionaires and live my life over in a much more comfy fashion.” However, true to form, all my $7.94 will helped me become was $7.94 poorer than I was before I bought it. I’m still me. My new/used will has made me no freer than my last one, and I’m now more convinced than ever that free will simply does not exist. I suppose I could steal a will from someone more situated in life than I, and see if it made me freer, but, even if it did, a stolen will is still not a free one. Thus, I must strongly reiterate my point: free will is a myth. It simply does not exist. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I must go check on Ebay’s return policy for used wills.



30 thoughts on “Free Will Hunting

  1. ah free will, isn’t that what some deserving beings ( authors mainly ) use to give themselves a Nobel prize? I read some where that free will, not borrowed and properly polsihed ( we use industrial grade armor all on ours here but then we share it with three people ) will give you that plus sexual transmitted bugs, but the sex stuff was not under warranty.

    Ever notice those who push free will the most, say your fanatical religious persons, are the first to also claim that their holy deity has your who life planed out for you and you must , simply must follow their interpretation of that free will or die. If you choice dying instead of being conscripted into free will an act of free will….an endless loop ;;;; universe crash commencing in ……..hugs

  2. “The few choices in life we have are not ones of our own choosing” – is a good response to pop psychologists who tell us we “always have a choice.”

  3. Excellent!

  4. Very will said..!

  5. Reblogged this on The Blogging Path and commented:

    Thus, I must strongly reiterate my point: free will is a myth. It simply does not exist.

    I agree. For example, I can’t control my sleepiness/dreams or boredom over the freewill to remain awake and alive.

  6. You are a one man think tank. I often wonder how you come up with your so profound thoughts on matters. Advise?

    • I soak my head in warm brine water for an hour or two before bed each night. That softens the skull nicely. Then, I rub encyclopedias on my head whilst chanting tunes from “Fiddler on the Roof.” When I’m done, though I may not feel any smarter, I definitely feel different. So sayth he who has too much to say about too many things! Imperious Rex!

    • Ahhh! Fred! It’s you. You’re showing up as an anonymous lurker. Thought you were a Nobel Committee member sent to spy on me. Not that I’m paranoid about that or anything. ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. Well there is the Social Contract we all are meant to enter – if you can be arsed.

  8. This is a classic editorial. Yours truly approves this piece

  9. Had to pop out the back for a swift fag (smoke in American speak) to contemplate this one! You see the perfect, well chosen identity theft could give someone the scope to act of free will thereafter – save for the fact it wouldn’t. My theory is thus flawed unless that identity theft was to nick God’s identity. Yet again my theory is flawed because he doesn’t exist. That’s me bolloxed then – there is no counter argument to what you have delivered here.

    • Oh, I’m sure there are, but none that aren’t so bloody convoluted as to turn your brain into mush by reading them. The discussions on this topic are just aggravatingly nonsensical. Hope you enjoyed your fag. i gave those up years ago. Now, if I could just give up the 60 pounds I need to as easily, I’d be set. $Amen$

    • Oddly it was giving up fags that caused me to get fat and contract diabetes 2 all those years ago! Stopped smoking for a year and ate everything I could find to try and stop gagging for a fag! At the end if you offered me a night to exert my free will with a young Munroe or a fag I would have chosen the latter! Pathetic! Still I lost 8.5 stone in 7 months and have stayed at 11.5 stone ever since – hearty boast, yet nothing to boast about because I still bloody smoke – couldn’t have lost the weight without smoking! There you go, a boring yet true story!

    • One I’m quite familiar with. Such is life. We’re always fighting against our wills. ๐Ÿ™‚

  10. A story in two parts: a brilliant analysis chased-up by classic TACP commentary. Too hot here to think of anything halfway as creative as that today.

    • Hot? Damn, brother, it’s freezing here. I envy you. Man, I miss Brazil, except for being afraid of being stabbed, robbed, and/or raped that is. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Nasty hot, though. Really, really nasty. I heard about your icestorm… Sounds nasty too.

    • It is nasty. But, to be honest, me being the European white guy I am and all, if I had to choose, I’d choose the cold over the heat any day. I really can’t stand the humidity and heat. Suffocating. Oh. I keep a stash of Koran quotes readily available for discussions with Christians who love to toss out holy book quotes as evidence for their idiotic beliefs. Tends to silence them, as they either must say my Koran quotes are evil and wrong, which, of course, isn’t PC, or just stop talking. What’s great, too, is that I know it aggravates the shit out of ’em, and that, my friend is just pure beauty to me. ๐Ÿ™‚

  11. The concept of free will is incoherently defined, not in the last place because different proponents of free will give different concepts of FW. And most FW proponents don’t even know themselves would they believe FW actually is.

    • Incoherent is a nice way of putting it. It’s more like watching hamsters run on wheels, get tired, come off the wheels, shit, then get back on the wheels and run again. The most asinine discussions I’ve ever been privy to hear or read are on free will. They truly redefine the meaning of idiotically useless for me.

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