01.16.15
by

Nobel Prize Committee Sends Drone To Kill Me After Prank Call

Nobel Committee Has Sent This Drone After Me

The Nobel Committee Sent This Drone To Kill Me

Well, looks like my atheist plan to have a peaceful evening roasting Creationist infants and impaling Baptists on 8 foot pikes to hear ’em scream while I eat isn’t gonna happen. Someone at the Nobel Prize Committee offices approved a drone strike against me after I prank called one of the committee member’s mothers. How was I suppose to know I was calling her in an intensive care nursing home and that any unnecessary stress could be fatal to her? Who the hell do I look like, God? Besides, what I said to her was all a bullshit lie, anyway. I didn’t REALLY feed her son to alligators at the Lincoln Park Zoo out of my frustration over not yet receiving a NOBEL FRIGGIN’ PRIZE. I mean what the fuck, man?! If some old lady can’t deal with the fact I’m under A LOT of stress cause of this issue, then fuck her. Haven’t I got rights too? Well, haven’t I? And what about the stress SHE put me under by answering the damn phone in the first place? I didn’t think she would, so I hadn’t prepared anything to say to her. So when she answered, I just blubbered out what I always say in situations like that, “Listen bitch! I just fed your asshole son to some big, fat alligators cause I don’t have my Nobel Prize yet. So if you don’t want me to do the same to you, you’d better figure out a way to talk him into getting me that prize.”

If she believed me, and that caused her to have the heart attack that killed her, then that’s her fucking problem. I mean COME ON! The Lincoln Park Zoo doesn’t even have friggin’ alligators. Who wouldn’t know that? Anyway, back to my situation. A chair woman for the Nobel Committee, Priscilla Puffinipple, called and informed me a drone was dispatched to blow me, and the 6 square blocks around me, into atoms. “We just want to make sure we get ya,” she said. Bitch.  But I, being the prepared fella I am, have a plan for just such an attack. I’m going to disguise myself as a 12-year-old girl and have the City take me to live in an orphanage because I’ve no family. Smart, ain’t I? Once I get into a decent orphanage, I’ll figure out my next move. I’m really sick of this arrogant Committee not giving me my well-deserved prize. We’re not done yet, Nobel Prize Committee, not by a long shot.

43 thoughts on “Nobel Prize Committee Sends Drone To Kill Me After Prank Call”

  1. “Who the hell do I look like, God?”
    You mean you’re not? Wow, am I disillusioned.

    Anyway, after the drone strike, haul the Committee’s butts into court for war crimes. That might even win you the Nobel Peace Prize! – no, wait a minute….

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  2. I’m thinking here that if you change your name to Arthur Nobel by Deed Poll (or whatever the US equivalent is) you could award yourself said prize – sorted!

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  3. How did I miss this post? Hilarious

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  4. Bloody hilarious good sir, I shall have to start calling you Vlad the Pontificator! 🙂

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  5. You were right. I laughed my ass off! Thank you!!!! Thank you.

    Man, I admire the gift of writing like this. Someday if my brain starts getting younger, I’m going to try this.

    It’s not dangerous is it? I won’t break a hip, right?

    Wow.

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  6. Gotta tell ya. In my book we are the best of pals. Good on.

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    • Yep. Do you teach math or Physics? I just built my own particle accelerator. Lots of fun. Got a do-it-yourself- kit at CVS. Fuckers charged 7.99 for it too, so it better not create a fucking black hole like my last one. God damn it to hell. Oh. I also got some dark matter tooth paste from there. Fuckin’ tube had a hole in it. Half my fuckin’ building is on it’s way to who knows where. If a fuckin’ store is going to sell dark matter, then god damn it put it in an approved container. Mother fuckers.

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    • I’d like to see the look on PZ’s face if I showed up on his porch at 3AM with a net and big knife tonight. I’m a huge fuckin’ guy too. Played football, left guard. Fuckin’ guy’d shit his pants. But so would I, and that’d smell bad.

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    • Oh, alright! I’m posting a Myers post. Just came to me. Gonna PISS him off! Why do I do this?

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  7. Down with that. It all depends on how hard you want to work. How much you believe. How much you care.

    PZ works hard. Very, very hard. At the very least, no matter what, you have to respect that… And I once posted on his site that his live recent online radio interview was “Gawd awful.” It was. But, go ahead, you tell me what happened. You know.

    Ultimately, it turns out that flames generally extinguish themselves. Even neutron stars. They run out of oxygen/fuel. Only external forces shoveling new fuel can keep them burning.

    Proud #57

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    • Absolutely. It’s just that I sort of was hoping we’d have done an online hand shake by now and said good game, nice to meet you. It takes me aback as I see that clearly won’t happen. My flames have shimmered for sure on this. Fuck, it isn’t like were talking about little boys being raped by priests or anything. There are other ways that aren’t so much fun to put an end to things if they run on too long. I’m usually nice, but when it’s enough, it’s enough. I certainly can tell PZ is brilliant guy. I hoped that by being a fun opponent for him things would turn out friendly. He just gets angrier. That’s sad because we need all the help we can get bringing light into a still too dark world. Better if we did it together, after a brief fist-a-cuffs. Hell, back in hood after we’d beat the shit out of each other, we’d be best of pals.

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    • Check out the next post I’m gonna put up in like 20 mins. I like it.

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  8. Now. Ain’t that the pot calling the kettle black.

    One Benny. You got it. Serious offer. Take the bet. I dare ya. Has to be on the main page. Neon preferably. Post with my Google picture gets an extra Lincoln. Ho Ho Ho

    Send me and email address. PayPal baby. Watch out though… I just might be an NSA analyst having fun. With you.

    Absolutely too much fun.

    Happy Newton Day to all.

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    • Yeah, but at some time you gotta stop. Ain’t fun no more. I want to be funny, in an irreverant way, of course, but I gotta have fun too. I had another reader tell me it was time to let it go because he missed the satire. I was, of course, pissed at first, but then realized he was right. I also get a very uncomfortable vibe about this. PZ isn’t stupid, so what’s gained? I don’t know. I’m not having fun anymore. I’m still a prick. I just want to have fun being one. I don’t get either why to not just pound the fucker in the face and crack his head on the ground a few times or just shake hands. I think PZ lacks a sense of self deprecation. Either way, it ain’t fun anymore. It’s fucking Christmas. I’ve got a plethora of shit to mock. I’m certain PZ will pop up again too. Give it a bit of time. I’ve got a plan to eventual make the words”kiddie porn” and PZ Myers made so synonymous they’ll be found in the same spot in dictionaries. I’m not a nice person, but I’ve gotta have fun not being one. I have PZ’s correct name, address and internet info now. I had to be sure I had the right guy. Kiddie porn/PZ Myer. There won’t be a fucking thing funny about it though.

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  9. fucking hilarious! I nearly spit eggnog on the screen reading the title… damn those stingy committee members

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