Well, looks like my atheist plan to have a peaceful evening roasting Creationist infants and impaling Baptists on 8 foot pikes to hear ’em scream while I eat isn’t gonna happen. Someone at the Nobel Prize Committee offices approved a drone strike against me after I prank called one of the committee member’s mothers. How was I suppose to know I was calling her in an intensive care nursing home and that any unnecessary stress could be fatal to her? Who the hell do I look like, God? Besides, what I said to her was all a bullshit lie, anyway. I didn’t REALLY feed her son to alligators at the Lincoln Park Zoo out of my frustration over not yet receiving a NOBEL FRIGGIN’ PRIZE. I mean what the fuck, man?! If some old lady can’t deal with the fact I’m under A LOT of stress cause of this issue, then fuck her. Haven’t I got rights too? Well, haven’t I? And what about the stress SHE put me under by answering the damn phone in the first place? I didn’t think she would, so I hadn’t prepared anything to say to her. So when she answered, I just blubbered out what I always say in situations like that, “Listen bitch! I just fed your asshole son to some big, fat alligators cause I don’t have my Nobel Prize yet. So if you don’t want me to do the same to you, you’d better figure out a way to talk him into getting me that prize.”
If she believed me, and that caused her to have the heart attack that killed her, then that’s her fucking problem. I mean COME ON! The Lincoln Park Zoo doesn’t even have friggin’ alligators. Who wouldn’t know that? Anyway, back to my situation. A chair woman for the Nobel Committee, Priscilla Puffinipple, called and informed me a drone was dispatched to blow me, and the 6 square blocks around me, into atoms. “We just want to make sure we get ya,” she said. Bitch. But I, being the prepared fella I am, have a plan for just such an attack. I’m going to disguise myself as a 12-year-old girl and have the City take me to live in an orphanage because I’ve no family. Smart, ain’t I? Once I get into a decent orphanage, I’ll figure out my next move. I’m really sick of this arrogant Committee not giving me my well-deserved prize. We’re not done yet, Nobel Prize Committee, not by a long shot.