In shockingly ironic news today, 89 people were killed, and dozens more critically injured, when a crazed gunman opened fire at an NRA convention in Paris, Texas. “There were bullets and blood spraying everywhere,” said NRA spokeswoman, Silkie V. Gina.
“I was in the middle of giving my speech on how Jesus commands all Americans to be armed for protection against atheists and Democrats, when, out of nowhere, a tall, crazed looking fellow resembling Moses, leaped onto the stage and began firing an automatic assault rifle into the crowd. The screams were deafening, and the smell of people soiling themselves overwhelming. I’ve never seen, or smelt, anything like it.
As he was firing away, the biblical-looking gunman repeatedly shouted out, ‘This is for all the kids killed with the guns you mother fuckers helped put into the hands of their killers.’ He continued to shoot and shout until one of our less soiled members grabbed a nearby hardbound edition of the King James Bible, rushed the stage, and bashed the gunman over the head with it, several times. That he wasn’t killed himself while doing this can only be attributed to a miracle that came from the The Bible he used to bash in the gunman’s skull. Since the gunman was killed, we’ll never truly know what caused him to slaughter our members like he did, but, if we get anything out of this at all, it is this: Without guns, Bibles, and babes, no American is safe from the crazies out there who wish to cause us harm. God bless America, God bless guns, and God bless the NRA!”