In a reason-defying new development, Young Earthers have joined forces with Flat Earthers and decreed that not only is the Earth much younger than the 4.5 billion years scientists say it is, it is also as flat as any note sung by Russell Crowe in the film version of “Les Miserables”.
Rev. Dick Izhard, spokesman for the new Flat/Young Earthers Society, released this statement a few hours ago. “First of all, let me say that the Earth is young. Very young. God just made it about 6 years ago. This 4.5 billion years stuff is just ludicrous. Where is the evidence for this? Nowhere. Earth is only 6 years old people. Deal with it. As well, the Earth is not round. It is flat. It was round, and hot, when God first made it, but it flattened rapidly as it cooled. There is no valid argument that can be made against this. We are standing on flat ground aren’t we? Could we stand like this on a big round ball? Hell no! We’d be on our asses. Case closed. Earth is flat.
We believers in a young, flat Earth insist that our beliefs be taught in every public school in America. This will ensure all children learn the only truth about the world God made for them. We know we are absolutely right in what we believe because for many months, in closed small rooms, we meditated, denied ourselves sleep, and starved ourselves while asking God to enlighten us to the real truth about the Earth. Well, He did. And, now, we intend to force this truth on to you and your family.
Oh, and we, like God, hate gay people. And though that particular issue has nothing to do with what’s been discussed here, we felt compelled to mention it because gays are the spawn of Satan and you have to watch out or they’ll convert you to their hideous life style. Thank you for your time. We hope to be teaching our beliefs shortly in your children’s schools. Amen.”