So, I’ve been calling Nobel Prize Committee members and breathing like Darth Vader into the phone when they answer for months now just to fuck with ’em. I’ll do, like, 300 or so calls like this on a phone, then toss it out, buy a new one, and begin all over again. This way, the authorities, whom my lawyer says want me to stop this, won’t be able to trace the calls back to me. I learned how to do this from a character in “The Wire” which was on cable a few years back. The last time I called a committee member’s house to do this, however, his 9-year-old niece answered the phone, and me, being the sly dog I am, told her I was God and that I was calling to warn her that her uncle was the Devil and was going to boil her alive in oil then feed her to wild pigs while making her mother watch. I thought for sure I’d fucked this kid’s mind up good, until I heard her handing the phone to her uncle while saying, “There’s a crazy man on the phone saying he’s God.” Well, the language that came out of that guy’s mouth when he started yelling at me was so foul, I can’t get myself to write it. He insulted my cock size and questioned whether or not I took large penises up my manhole. He hurt my feelings, and he made me cry. That just wasn’t necessary, or nice. I wouldn’t have to do shit like this if the fucking Nobel Committee would JUST GIVE ME MY HARD EARNED NOBEL PRIZE ALREADY!!! It’s not my fault I said horrible shit to that child, it’s THEIRS!!! And by God, I swear I’ll make them pay for it if it’s the last thing I do! Well, maybe not THE last, but at least close to it.