These Guys Got Their Nobel Prizes, Now Where’s Mine?
So, I’ve been calling Nobel Prize Committee members and breathing like Darth Vader into the phone when they answer for months now just to fuck with ’em. I’ll do, like, 300 or so calls like this on a phone, then toss it out, buy a new one, and begin all over again. This way, the authorities, whom my lawyer says want me to stop this, won’t be able to trace the calls back to me. I learned how to do this from a character in “The Wire” which was on cable a few years back. The last time I called a committee member’s house to do this, however, his 9-year-old niece answered the phone, and me, being the sly dog I am, told her I was God and that I was calling to warn her that her uncle was the Devil and was going to boil her alive in oil then feed her to wild pigs while making her mother watch. I thought for sure I’d fucked this kid’s mind up good, until I heard her handing the phone to her uncle while saying, “There’s a crazy man on the phone saying he’s God.” Well, the language that came out of that guy’s mouth when he started yelling at me was so foul, I can’t get myself to write it. He insulted my cock size and questioned whether or not I took large penises up my manhole. He hurt my feelings, and he made me cry. That just wasn’t necessary, or nice. I wouldn’t have to do shit like this if the fucking Nobel Committee would JUST GIVE ME MY HARD EARNED NOBEL PRIZE ALREADY!!! It’s not my fault I said horrible shit to that child, it’s THEIRS!!! And by God, I swear I’ll make them pay for it if it’s the last thing I do! Well, maybe not THE last, but at least close to it.
The Arm Chair Pontificator 
Reblogged this on The Blogging Path and commented:
Oh, get over it, TACP! You practically have done nothing to deserve that prize. You’d have to be president first, I guess and nice, too. Yeah, that’s the ticket. 2016 is around the corner. Funny.
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You flatter me with your reblogs of my silly posts. Thank you greatly, and I’m glad to have made you laugh. Sorry again if I was snippy in my reply to you yesterday. All this stress over the Nobel Prize committee ignoring me has made me cranky. 🙂
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Snippy, snappy, snooty, I’m glad you’d put up with an annoying troll, err, noobish commenter such as moi. Just can’t imagine why of all fine writers, you didn’t get what you wanted. Perhaps, you could settle for one of those WordPress award thingy, eh?
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I will keep on pestering the Committee until they yield to my whims, or by Heaven, I’ll keep on prank calling them til they do! $Amen$
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You are completely outrageous and I love it!
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Thank you, kindly, my friend.
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😈
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😀
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This is wonderful. I really needed this!
That little girl disrespected you, dude. I hope you’re not going to just take that. 😉
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She’ll get hers one day. I’ve a memory like an elephant.
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Sounds reasonable
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Hell yes it’s reasonable! I’ve been very patient waiting for what’s mine from those Nobel bastards! There truly is only so much injustice one human being can take, and my injustice-tank is way overflowing!
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Hilarious! You really are good at this.
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Thank you most kindly, my friend. I’m even better at live Improv.
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