World Praises America For Creating God

People Of The World Praising America

People Of The World Praising America For Creating God

World Spokesman, Professor Bob Onmekock, praised America this morning for the creation of God. “In particular,” Professor Onmekock said,”the nations of the world would like to thank America for the creation of the god, Jesus. Oh, I know what you’re thinking, ‘Jesus was around long before there was an America. How could America have invented him?’ My answer to that, one the entire world shares with me, is this: The REAL Jesus did not exist until American conservatives created him. What existed before that was a weak, incomplete facsimile of Jesus who did not yet hate fags, liberals, Jews, Democrats, and poor people the way the real, American, Jesus does. It is also a cold hard fact that, before America defined Jesus, he never once was associated with gun ownership and Capitalism.

The Real, American, Jesus

The Real, American, Jesus

Well, American conservatives have sure as hell changed that. Who now, in the whole of the wide world, can picture Jesus without a rifle? Or Jesus without stock options worth billions? Or, worse yet, Jesus without white skin and blue eyes? Who? Oh, perhaps a bleeding heart sissy of a liberal can, but not a true believer in Our Lord And Savior, Jesus Christ. So I, and the world, want to say, thank you America. Thank you for showing all the money-grubbing, homophobic, white, elitist mother fuckers out there in the world that we are the way we are because Jesus demands us to be. It is through the love of Christ, the true, American Christ, that we have embraced our true selves. And it is through the love of this very real God that we will continue to use this planet as we see fit and shit all over anyone, or anything, that gets in our way. God bless you, America, and God bless Jesus!”

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23 thoughts on “World Praises America For Creating God

  1. I’m laughing so hard, I can barely see to type…

  2. Reblogged this on The Blogging Path and commented:
    There can only be only Lord God Almighty! And I don’t think that Americanized Christ by a bunch of “morons” would make the cut. The “real” Christians, the “true” Christ followers, aren’t bigots or extremists. Just my opinion only. Amen.

  3. Pingback: World Praises America For Creating God | Scotties Toy Box

  4. ” a weak, incomplete facsimile of Jesus who did not yet hate fags, liberals, Jews, Democrats, and poor people the way the real, American, Jesus does” – he hates dark skin, too, as the Book of Mormon states outright.

    Remember, the New Temple will be built in Missouri.

    Get your believers’ tickets soon – first stop, Hambo’s Ark Park, so I can ride a dinosaur – hoo haa! Last stop the planet Kolub.

    Everything’s wonderful there – I get as many wives as I want! – except they’re all demanding alimony – uh oh, something’s gone wrong –

    • Just blink them out of existence. You’re god of your own planet now. I love Battlestar Galactica, but every time I watch an episode, all I can think of is, “This is SO Mormon!” Works as scifi a lot more than as a religion, however. I like to keep my fantasies separate from my reality. Keeps me a tad saner.

  5. And he spoke American! That’s good enough for me!

    • Well, he didn’t use to, but he does now. We learned ’em right!

    • I am sure I read somewhere that one of your female politicians once said, ‘If English was good enough for Jesus it’s good enough for me’ – think that was how she put it!

    • Oh, I’m certain it is true. Probably Sarah Palin. Fox News reporters are forever saying idiotic things like that, too. Last Christmas they told kids not to worry because Jesus, like Santa, was white. Thing is, they weren’t trying to be funny. We’re all ignorant of some things. In my case, most things, but to assume that just because of who you are you are right in all you think and say, is blatant, reckless stupidity. Too many Americans are ignorant, and defiantly defensive of their “right” to be so at the same time. Aggravates the beejeebus outta me.

    • I once looked up Sarah Palin ‘quotes’ on Google – mind blowingly dumb bird that one. To be fair we have our own share of idiots over here but they tend to do stupid things rather than say them – a certain Prince comes to mind – allegedly of course!

    • Indeed. Dingbats are everywhere. In America, they’re easiest to find, cause they’re running the country.

  6. what can we do without America. God bless America and her crazies

  7. fucking scary

  8. LOL oh the names you give people..i always have to stop and laugh & wonder how big that book of names you have, in your head is….i didn’t realize jesus is one of those self-depricating jews like larry david…..

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