World Spokesman, Professor Bob Onmekock, praised America this morning for the creation of God. “In particular,” Professor Onmekock said,”the nations of the world would like to thank America for the creation of the god, Jesus. Oh, I know what you’re thinking, ‘Jesus was around long before there was an America. How could America have invented him?’ My answer to that, one the entire world shares with me, is this: The REAL Jesus did not exist until American conservatives created him. What existed before that was a weak, incomplete facsimile of Jesus who did not yet hate fags, liberals, Jews, Democrats, and poor people the way the real, American, Jesus does. It is also a cold hard fact that, before America defined Jesus, he never once was associated with gun ownership and Capitalism.
Well, American conservatives have sure as hell changed that. Who now, in the whole of the wide world, can picture Jesus without a rifle? Or Jesus without stock options worth billions? Or, worse yet, Jesus without white skin and blue eyes? Who? Oh, perhaps a bleeding heart sissy of a liberal can, but not a true believer in Our Lord And Savior, Jesus Christ. So I, and the world, want to say, thank you America. Thank you for showing all the money-grubbing, homophobic, white, elitist mother fuckers out there in the world that we are the way we are because Jesus demands us to be. It is through the love of Christ, the true, American Christ, that we have embraced our true selves. And it is through the love of this very real God that we will continue to use this planet as we see fit and shit all over anyone, or anything, that gets in our way. God bless you, America, and God bless Jesus!”