Plate Tectonics Ridiculous, Says Creationist

Fantasy Image Of Continents Drifting On Currents Of Hot Coffee Created By Scientists On A Heroin Binge

Fantasy Image Of Plate Tectonics Created By Geologists On Drugs

“Plate Tectonics is an example of the paranoid nonsense geologists throw at us as explanations for how the Earth works,” said Creationist and exotic dancer, Anita B. Job today. “It takes less than a single functioning brain cell to see that geologists, like biologists, are drug abusers, gamblers, and sociopaths. This is why they expect rational, sober Christians, like me, to believe the Earth is made up of large tectonic plates which are slowly moving atop the viscous, molten material of the Earth’s upper mantle. Clearly, and without refute, the REAL explanation for how the continents of the Earth move is quite simple: God moves them with the help of his prized Oxen, Butt-licker (See illustration below).

Oxen Of God Pulling Continent Of Africa To Its Current Location, circa 1988.

Butt-licker Moving Africa To Its Current Location, circa 1988.

God went through a great deal of effort to create Butt-licker, and he’s been busy for all 6000 years of the Earth’s existence moving the continents around whenever God’s asked him to. It is an affront to my beliefs as a Christian, and as an exotic dancer, to expect me to accept a scientific theory like plate tectonics as believable. Utterly and completely preposterous!Β  That’s what I say. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve a strip-pole to grease up for tonight’s show.”

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26 thoughts on “Plate Tectonics Ridiculous, Says Creationist

  1. I dunno, Inspired, this conflicts with much YEC geological wisdom on the web,,,
    … or perhaps Buttlicker caused the Flood with a copious pee?

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  2. Don’t ever stop!

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  3. i didn’t know you could be a creationist and an exotic dancer. that’s a lot of talent for one person

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  4. Damn these atheist scientists!

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  5. Is Anita B. Job related to Anita Bryant? Her Butt-licker explanation could have been used back in 1961-62 when I pointed out to my teacher that the African and South American continents seemed to “fit together.” In fairness to the teacher though, that was before plate tectonics was an accepted scientific theory. She responded to my observation as best she could by asserting that the apparently matching coastlines was just a “coincidence.”

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    • It was fairly well understood, even in the early 60’s, that “continental drift” was a true phenomena. The mechanism for it may not have been as understood as well as it is today, but your teacher was a ding-bat, nonetheless, for the way she answered you. Anita Bryant. Now there’s a name I remember with warmth, love, and the joy of Jeebus in my soul. No relation to Anita B. Job, though. At least, none that I can bother to create at the moment.

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    • Here’s a quote from Wikipedia on plate tectonics that shows your teacher was a tad bit behind reality, even for 1961: “Plate tectonics (from the Late Latin tectonicus, from the Greek: Ο„Ξ΅ΞΊΟ„ΞΏΞ½ΞΉΞΊΟŒΟ‚ “pertaining to building”)[1] is a scientific theory that describes the large-scale motion of Earth’s lithosphere. This theoretical model builds on the concept of continental drift which was developed during the first few decades of the 20th century. The geoscientific community accepted the theory after the concepts of seafloor spreading were later developed in the late 1950s and early 1960s.” I had a teacher in 1977 tell us during 6th grade science class that we were only a year or 2 away from being able to transport people like they do in Star Trek. I guess she was living in a bit of her own fantasy world, eh?

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  6. Well blow me down I never knew that! A clever girl that Anita…phew I’m a believer now!

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  7. Remind me,to never get into an insult war with you. I concede…Anita B. Job, I almost lol’d.

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    • Thanks. And indeed, I’m quite the WMD when it comes to insulting word wars. There were one or two Christian soul saviors who sent a comment or two my way which, believe me, I wanted to send home crying to their Blessed Virgin mothers, but I refuse to approve such comments because it’s not what I’m about. Religion and soul saving nonsense speaks for itself. religion and black and white dogmatic thinking are perfect straight men for a wit like mine.

      “I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!”
      ― William Shakespeare

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