Prophecies For 2015 From Nostradamus


Dr. Miballs R. Akin, curator of the Nostradamus Museum in Gary, Indiana, announced today that he has uncovered some previously unknown prophecies of Nostradamus pertaining specifically to 2015. A few of these are listed below along with interpretations of them provided by Dr. Akin.

Prophesy One: “And there shall drift in from the East a pinkish cloud, covered in smiley faces, which the underclassmen shall name, ‘Bob’. Then a great white bear shall devour a fish named ‘Limpett’ causing the blue sea to turn red and bleed from the corners of eyes it does not have. So sayeth Nostradamus, the unambiguous one.”

Dr. Akin’s Interpretation: What Nostradamus is so very clearly predicting here is the complete collapse of the McDonald’s restaurant franchise in 2015. The cloud and the blue sea represent Ronald McDonald’s makeup pouring down his face from the tears he’s shedding over the loss of his beloved franchise. The fish being eaten by the bear represents the Red Lobster restaurant franchise. It will take over all McDonald’s store fronts by August. So has it been foretold; so too will it come to pass.

Prophesy Two: “A darkness darker than pitch and thicker than hot tar shall pour over the land of the kitties who will be too weak and too lazy to band together as one to shine a light into the blackness before it devours all they hold dear with its perpetual, ever-deepening evil. So sayeth Nostradamus, the non-nebulous one.”

Dr. Akin’s Interpretation: Without a doubt, this prophesy speaks of the immanent takeover of the American Government by the evil Republican party and the pussy-ass Liberals who will continue to passively stand by and watch it happen. This trend will continue, unchallenged, throughout all of 2015 and well into 2016, when the total annihilation of the Democratic Party is finalized with the crowning of the first Republican Emperor of The United States. So has it been foreseen; so too shall it come to pass.

Fini, for now.

32 thoughts on “Prophecies For 2015 From Nostradamus

  1. did gentle ben eat ron howard’s brother. i don’t know i didn’t see the show


  2. “Then a great white bear shall devour a fish named ‘Limpett’ causing the blue sea to turn red” – Not the incredible Mr. Limpet! – He saved this country and Don Knotts’ career, making both safe for democracy! Without noble fish like him, who will eat all the sewage in our oceans? Bears? I doubt it!


  3. This is so true but am disturbed. Why are you doing reports for other gods when we are the last and final prophets of Golden Boot


  4. Oh please! Puleeze! Say Dr. A’s interpretation of Prophecy #2 is wrong. Either that or I must move to the Himalayas and become a monkette.


  5. I foresee a mutated human species evolving from the ever-growing Monsato-based food supply. 85% of grocery store stock will be banned in other countries, forcing suppliers to redirect their shipments to the U.S., which the mainstream will continue to consume believing our government wouldn’t possibly provide poison for our pantries. I Am Legend will be revealed as a documentary instead of a screenplay and Republicans will announce the Emancipation Proclamation void…leading to a mandatory draft for all people of non-Caucasian descent, who will be forced to fight off the saber tooth, albino Monsato monsters.


  6. Of course! It all makes sense now! Thank you for this!!


  7. Republicans without burgers! Thin Republicans, some closet gays God fearing chaps falling down on their knees to worship the great and wise Goddess Sarah from the northern climes!


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