Dr. Miballs R. Akin, curator of the Nostradamus Museum in Gary, Indiana, announced today that he has uncovered some previously unknown prophecies of Nostradamus pertaining specifically to 2015. A few of these are listed below along with interpretations of them provided by Dr. Akin.
Prophesy One: “And there shall drift in from the East a pinkish cloud, covered in smiley faces, which the underclassmen shall name, ‘Bob’. Then a great white bear shall devour a fish named ‘Limpett’ causing the blue sea to turn red and bleed from the corners of eyes it does not have. So sayeth Nostradamus, the unambiguous one.”
Dr. Akin’s Interpretation: What Nostradamus is so very clearly predicting here is the complete collapse of the McDonald’s restaurant franchise in 2015. The cloud and the blue sea represent Ronald McDonald’s makeup pouring down his face from the tears he’s shedding over the loss of his beloved franchise. The fish being eaten by the bear represents the Red Lobster restaurant franchise. It will take over all McDonald’s store fronts by August. So has it been foretold; so too will it come to pass.
Prophesy Two: “A darkness darker than pitch and thicker than hot tar shall pour over the land of the kitties who will be too weak and too lazy to band together as one to shine a light into the blackness before it devours all they hold dear with its perpetual, ever-deepening evil. So sayeth Nostradamus, the non-nebulous one.”
Dr. Akin’s Interpretation: Without a doubt, this prophesy speaks of the immanent takeover of the American Government by the evil Republican party and the pussy-ass Liberals who will continue to passively stand by and watch it happen. This trend will continue, unchallenged, throughout all of 2015 and well into 2016, when the total annihilation of the Democratic Party is finalized with the crowning of the first Republican Emperor of The United States. So has it been foreseen; so too shall it come to pass.
Fini, for now.