At a New York Dunkin Donuts this morning, Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, revealed a spiffy new hat He received as an early birthday gift from His Father, God The Almighty. “Ain’t it cool,” said The Anointed One. ” It’s an MP3 player and a cell phone too! My Pop is just the best!!!” Jesus then ordered a dozen chocolate donuts and 24 billion munchkins which He said were for the souls in Purgatory who were suffering because He didn’t think they had kissed His ass enough to be in Heaven when they were alive.
The Arm Chair Pontificator 
Purgatory….tsk, tsk, you Catholics 🙂 I wasn’t raised Catholic, but I went to a Catholic school (grades 7-13). I remember a few of us were ready to convert. What? No hell and a second chance in Purgatory? Sign us up!!
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Oh, Catholics have Hell, too. It’s just that they also have Purgatory, which is kinda like Hell, only you can get out after awhile. One way to get out is if your living relatives buy indulgences for you from the Church to help get you out. Guess it’s like you’re being held ransom or something. There’s other ways out, but I forgot ’em. I’m going right to Hell, so there’s no helping me. 🙂
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What? There is still a Catholic hell?? Oh man, I’ve been hoodwinked! I might get stuck there with you, the family being atheist and all and no one to pray me out…
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Cool. You can come visit my atheist ass down there. You bring the hot dogs and I’ll bring the beer. The grill and fire are provided by the landlord.
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I’d like to know which network service provider caters for the mobile phone needs of Jesus and co.
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It’s called, “Heavenly Connections.” Great provider, but ya gotta be dead to use it.
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Tsk. Everything about heaven comes with that terrible rider:
“Note: you have to be dead to enjoy this exciting thing”
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But of course! What good ever came from actually caring for and enjoying the life we have right here, right now? Waste ‘o time that is. Put all yer energy into worrying about what happens after you die, give your $ to the church, and hate gay people. THAT is the constructive, healthy way to live a well-rounded sensible life. 🙂
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I’m guessing here that at the Sermon on the Mount of Purgatory he fed the multitudes using just the doughnuts!
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Correct. However, there are no mounts in Purgatory, only soap boxes. Thus, in Purgatory, he gave a “Sermon on the Soap Box.” I find that a tad more accurate of the whole deal for some reason. You?
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Probably a good thing that the word ‘soap’ preceded the next word – otherwise the tabloids would be offering you fortunes for details of your eyewitness account of the events. Guess we’re back on Mars Bar territory here!
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“Sermon From Within The Box!” There you go! The X-rated version of the story. I think you may be onto something my friend.
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BTW, I do believe the idea of Purgatory is primarily a Catholic thing. I may be, and probably am, wrong about that, but I’ll look into it and get back to you on it. Wouldn’t want you losing sleep over it or anything. 🙂
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It is indeed Catholic – no other religion has a bit twixt heaven and hell (some don’t even have hell). Got that from when I was researching (well hardly researching really) the old Satan skits.
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Makes me proud to have been raised Catholic. The creativity in the fabrication of Purgatory puts us two notches above every other fairytale belief system out there. $Amen$
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