The New Bond: Ken Ham
Baghdad, Iraq. Creationist and founder of Kentucky’s Creation Museum, Ken Ham, has been cast to play James Bond in the new 007 film, Continuum of Ignorance. The film will be produced by and directed by me, The Arm Chair Pontificator. The plot involves Bond’s attempts to permanently thrust the world, particularly America, back into the bronze age by thwarting the attempts of the villainous Engelbert Enlightened, played by Nobel Prize winning Physicist Peter Higgs, to safely keep it in the 21st century, scientifically speaking.
Peter Higgs Is The Evil Engelbert Enlightened
007 will be aided in his heroic attempts to permanently eliminate scientific thought and reasoning by Fox News babe, Megyn Kelly. Kelly is playing sexy new Bond girl, Carrie Mysack, a former Liberal who was so deeply disgruntled by the wimpy Democratic voter turn out in the last election she became a Creationist.
Megyn Kelly Is Bond Girl, Carrie Mysack
The film goes into production as soon as I can convince Ken Ham the cameras we’re using to film it are not devices created by Satan to capture his soul. I’ve my work cut out for me, but, like Martin Scorsese never once said to me: “Boy, if yer not tryin’ to convince a Creationist 35mm cameras aren’t really the soul-capturing tools of Satan, then you just don’t belong in the film business.” ‘Nuff said!
The Arm Chair Pontificator 
Love your Bond-girl name 🙂
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It’s one I could see them using actually.
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LOL — this I’ve gotta see.
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Gonna get me an Academy Award for best director for it. I kid you not! 🙂
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You’re a shoe in. 🙂
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Thanks for having faith, Sister. $Amen$
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I hope Ken Ham will give us a star performance as Bond
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I’m sure he will. He’s brilliant at the art of lying and acting. 🙂
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I can’t wait for the movie
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It’s gonna be great. Miley Cyrus sings the theme song to it: “I’m Not Crazy, You Are.” It’ll bring tears to your eyes.
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and with you as the director, am certain it’s gonna be great
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But of course! How can it fail?!
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Again, I have to apologies for Ken. He’s from my state, and we really shouldn’t have let him get away to pollute the world. Then again, maybe the authorities knew exactly what they doing….
You see, the thing is, the further north you go in Queensland the slower and dumber people generally become. Usually it’s a good dumb though, a neighbourly dumb, the kind of dumb that is fine and good and you don’t mind at all having it around. It’s the kind of dumb that says “Hey, grab the rest of those beers and let’s go swimming with some saltwater crocs.” I really don’t know what happened to Ken. Maybe he wasn’t born far enough north…?
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Or with his frontal lobes intact? I love Ken Ham. He’s a walking punchline to a joke I never weary of finding new ways to tell.
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BTW, he’s sent me a few emails telling me of how nasty and unfair I am. Next time I get one, I’ll forward it to you. You’ll get a smile.
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Seriously? Real emails from Ken? How cool! Publish them!
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Naw. I delete them. But if I get another, I’ll forward it to you. Only have gotten 2 or so, but it’s fun knowing I’ve pushed his buttons. Unlike Bill Nye, for whom I’ve the utmost respect, I have no problem calling Ham out for the idiot he is. He is a dangerous creature and his access to children needs to be prevented at all cost for the betterment of our species.
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Well, now we have an evolutionary explanation for Queensland; but maybe Ham is a viral mutation?
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I think Ken Ham is big foot. A lost earlier species of hominid long thought to be extinct. His shoe size is like 13 and that facial hair is as close to wolf-like you can get and still have some hominid qualities left. He’s big foot I tell ya. Big Foot.
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I’ll accept that explanation 🙂
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