Baby New Year Arrested For Solicitation In Texas: New Year On Hold

SETI scientists intercepted the following conversation this afternoon between Biblical all-star, and apparent lawyer, Moses, and the Baby New Year held inside a Corpus Christi, Texas jail cell. We here at TACP are publishing it because our motto is “People Need To Know The Truth,” and this is as full of it as you can get, folks. A transcript of the intercepted conversation appears below.

Baby New Year Imprisoned In Texas

Baby New Year Imprisoned In Texas

Moses: Texas! For Christ sake kid, if you were looking for a hooker, why pick Texas as a place to look!? Nevada’s a stone’s toss away and prostitution is legal there, AND, it’s NOT crawling with Tea Party, gun totin’ good ‘ole boys lookin’ to arrest perverts like you!

Baby New Year: Listen you old fart-filled relic, I can do whatever the hell I want. I’m the New Year, get it? I’m a YEAR, not a belief system or a political dogma. Belief in me and my existence is not optional. I’m needed or existence comes to a bloody stand still. And if I want me some Texas hooker poo-tang to make me happy, then, dammit, that’s what I’m gettin’!

Moses Has His Legal Hands Full This Time, Eh?

Moses Has His Legal Hands Full This Time, Eh?

Moses: Really? Then how’d you wind up in a friggin’ jail cell, numb-nuts? Oh, wait! Hold the press! Numb-nuts New Year must have thought Texas was somehow connected to the rest of the 21st century, and the same laws of logic and physics that effect EVERYTHING else are the same here. WRONG, Einstein! This is Texas. This friggin’ place hasn’t had a new thought since mammoth went off the damn menu several thousand years ago. The whole state operates in some sort of worm hole that destroys anything liberal or liberating long before it can enter the atmosphere. The year 2015 means no more to people in Texas than carbon dating does to creationists. You f’ ed up New Year. Big time. Your lucky Jesus likes you and sent me down here to help your stupid ass. He really was considering making this New Years Eve, “The End Of Days.” But he decided not to because he really has no idea what that actually means, and, regardless of what it does mean, it seems like it would involve way more work than he’s remotely willing to do. So let’s quit the smart talk and work on getting you out of here so the rest of the world can get drunk on New Year’s Eve. OK?

Baby New Year: OK. But only because of how well you articulated all that. I’m impressed. Now if you could ever figure out where the Ark of the Covenant is, I might think you’ve half a brain working.

Moses: Just wait til I get you outta here numb-nuts. Now, here’s how we’re going to do just that….

Come back tomorrow to find out if Baby New Year will be freed in time for the New Year to be rung in!

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18 thoughts on “Baby New Year Arrested For Solicitation In Texas: New Year On Hold

  1. Still funny!

  2. i dated carbon once, but it turned out we had very little in common, so I didn’t call back for a second date.
    Thanks for all your wonderful posts and satire and keep up the good work! May the angels of heaven secretly masturbate to your posts when god isn’t watching…or something in that sentiment. Happy new year to you.

    • And to you, Sir. Thanks for reading and laughing. As Alexander Pope wrote, “True wit is nature to advantage dressed/What oft was thought but ne’er so well expressed.” My wit is my gift. And I enjoy using it on those who fucking bother me. Happy New Year

  3. I second MAL: Awesome!

    • Thanks. And thx again for knocking my ass off that Myers’ shit I got stuck in. A little of that kinda thing goes a LONG way. Stay tuned 4 part 2.

    • Interweb wars are odd things. They seem way more important than what they really are… and I hate to see a funny man get mad 🙂

      Have a great New Years, my learned Jester.

    • Odd things indeed. I wasn’t as angry as I was fascinated by the plethora of hits my site was getting from said silly battle. Still get dozens of views a day from Myers’ site. Fine with me. Just glad I’m back in the make ’em giggle first direction.

  4. Awesome my good friend.
    BTW, there is a fellow who commented on my Muslim BS page who insinuated you and I could be Zionists!

    • There’s some conspiracy whack job who gets all pissy when I mock conspiracy whack jobs on here and sends me shit like that. Maybe the same dude. I don’t allow such stuff through because 1. It pisses off the whack jobs, which makes me happy, and 2. This isn’t a public debate forum for whack jobs and their opinions. It’s my forum to blast the damn NOBEL PRIZE Committee into giving me my award. And, it’s my forum to blast idiots who bother me (i.e., Conservative Christians and Conspiracy whack jobs) with a one-sided barrage of satiric insults they can’t do anything about. I wouldn’t be doing my job if I weren’t being called a Zionist. And you, Sir, have the audacity to be a free thinking son-of-a-bitch who questions accepted beliefs which are not supposed to be questioned. The only reason for doing such, in the mind of the conspiracy whack job, is to bring about the down fall of society and replace it with one run by Zionists, at least I think that’s what they think. Who knows. Conspiracy whack jobs are nuts, AND VERY FUCKING ANNOYING. Stay tuned for the conclusion tonight to the story.

  5. Waiting for the riveting conclusion!!

  6. Reblogged this on myatheistlife and commented:

    Anticipating New Years Eve… I can’t wait for the conclusion

  7. Awesome!

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