Joseph, foster-father of Jesus, stopped by TACP’s Manhattan offices this morning after picking up some bagels and lox from his favorite deli just up the street. He’s in our fantasy football pool and I’ve been after him for an interview for weeks. Today, he finally agreed.
Joseph: Not Too Shabby Lookin’ For Being Over 2000 Years Old, Eh?
ACP: Merry Christmas, Joseph. How’s it hanging?
Joseph: Well, first off, I’m Jewish, so my holiday at this time of year is Hanukkah. It kind of ticks me off that Christians just assume I’m Christian too. It really doesn’t take much brain power to figure out I’m not. Other than that, I’m fine. Here, have a bagel.
ACP: Thanks. It does make sense that you’d be Jewish, but you know what they say, when in Rome….. Man! This is one great bagel! Thanks. But, hey, I gotta ask this cause a lot of people think about it this time of year, how did you handle the whole, “I’m pregnant by The Holy Ghost” story when you first heard it? What were your first thoughts?
Joseph: Well, at first, I thought my wife had too much wine with dinner and was making a crude attempt at a joke. Whatever else you could say Mary was, funny was not one of them. But when she insisted, I started to think she was losing her mind. Because I’ll tell you, 2000 years ago, for a married Jewish woman to be confessing to her husband that she’d even LOOKED at another man sexually, was almost akin to suicide.
ACP: I can imagine. The Old Testament doesn’t paint a very positive picture of women. So what happened then? Did you just ignore it, thinking she’d forget about it eventually?
Joseph: Well, yes. That’s exactly what I did. I told her to shut up about it and go to sleep and NEVER mention it again. Well, that worked for about….4 months. Then the questions started from friends, “My, Mary has really let herself go, Joseph. Can’t you get her a Health Club Membership or something?” And, of course, the fat jokes, “Know why I couldn’t see your house when we pulled up, Joseph? Mary was standing in front of it!” Everyone thought Mary was just suffering from an excess of carbohydrates, but I knew better. She had a bun cooking in her oven, and I wasn’t the cook who put it there.
ACP: Shit, dude. That had to blow.
Joseph: Could you please not be so crude and sophomoric? It’s rude. One of these days you’re going to tick off a creationist or an insane a-theist guru, and you won’t think you’re so cute then, will you?
ACP: I sure wouldn’t want that. But back to you. WHAT did you do when you knew she was pregnant, but not by you?
Joseph: I broke tables, chairs, glasses, cups, and even the Hanukkah Menorah my mother gave us for our wedding. I was not happy. She insisted, however, that the baby was put there by the Holy Ghost and she hadn’t slept with another man.
ACP: Did she convince you at some point she was telling the truth? Because I’m sure, if you wanted to, you could have made life VERY miserable for her back then.
Joseph: Did I think God sent a ghost to impregnate my wife? Would you believe something like that? Hell no I didn’t believe her! I’m a nice guy and all, and I was WAY ahead of my time on being such for the day, but I’m not an idiot. I could have done horrible things to her and no one would have thought anything of it. As a matter of fact, if people knew back then what she was telling me, they’d have stoned ME to death for not doing the same to her the MINUTE she mentioned this.
ACP: So you did nothing? You just acted like the baby was yours and lived as if everything was normal?
Joseph: Did I not just say I wasn’t an idiot? I also am not a cruel man, and Mary was 14 when we wed. She was not a pillar of great emotional stability, and she was very fragile. I stayed with her until she gave birth, then I brought her to her sister’s home in Jerusalem and went on my way. I’m a nice guy, but not SO nice as to stay with an emotional unstable woman who thought a holy ghost had impregnated her. What would be next? The Devil told her to whack off my head with an ax while I slept? Not worth the risk, man.
ACP: Dude! You’re blowing my silly ass mind! The Bible doesn’t say anything about any of this.
Joseph: It also says Jesus was crucified and returned from the dead and the Earth is only 6000 years old. You truly can not believe everything you read or simply just take things on “faith,” especially things like this, which is simply outrageously unbelievable. Trust in Faith alone is what gets buildings knocked down by planes and people killed in wars of conflicting dogmas. Think. Don’t confuse my being a decent human being with evidence for a ghost impregnating Mary. If such things aren’t happening now, they weren’t happening then. As Carl Sagan said, extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence to be believed.
ACP: You sound like an a-theist. I’d never have thought this of you.
Joseph: An a-theist? I’m over 2000 years old and look 45. How many a-theists can say that and mean it? And don’t ask, cause I’m not telling you my secret.
ACP: Damn. Well, thanks, man. This was nice of you. I’d invite you for dinner, but something tells me you’d be offended by what’s on the menu. Thanks again.
Extraordinary Claims Require Extraordinary Evidence
The Arm Chair Pontificator 
This is still so damn funny one year later 🙂
LikeLike
Thanks. I figured it brought so much xmas cheer last year, I’d have it bring some more this year. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
As usual….LOVED this! But this is a particularly good piece – I’m tempted to say exceptional even 😉
LikeLike
Thank you for those kind words. If you liked this, check out my script for this idea. It’s in 5 parts, but they’re broken up into a single post each. Here’s where it starts: https://variouspontifications.com/2014/01/04/youve-heard-about-the-last-but-have-you-heard-about-the-first-supper-of-jesus-and-the-apostles/
LikeLike
Brilliant! I’ve also caught up on some of your other posts – I’ve just left “likes” all over your blog like spunk on an hormonal teenager’s sheets. Best morning break I’ve had this week so far 😉
LikeLike
Thanks so much for the “likes”. Nothin’ like a little spunk to make things bright at this time of year. 🙂 thanks again for reading all my twisted stuff. Much appreciated.
LikeLike
I really like reading through a post that will make people
think. Also, thanks for allowing me to comment!
LikeLike
Think and laugh a bit, too, I hope. Thanks for commenting.
LikeLike
Thank you, that interview cleared up a lot of questions I had about the whole “I got knocked up by a dog” thing. I had always wondered how I would have reacted being in that situation. Gotta say ole Joe is a pretty cool dude. I have to wonder, how many biblical fundies today would react to this exact same scenario? Bet ya they would be screaming Bullshit! with a capital B. The irony would be lost on them though…
I am also extremely impressed with Bart’s ability to write across the chalkboard in such straight lines.
LikeLike
I paid Bart a lot of dough to pose for that picture, but he didn’t do the actual writing on the board. Lisa did that for me.
LikeLike
Shared this on Twitter,so another 20 people can read it…figured it’s the perfect Christmas Tweet…
LikeLike
Why thank you, my secluded, government hidden friend who remains a secret to the general population.
LikeLike
This interview is first rate. Should be featured on CNN and Faux News.
Were the PZ posts about the biologist PZ or a different one?
LikeLike
The biologist/internet troll. He trolls around picking fights, and I gave it too much attention cause he pissed me off. Way too much attention. PZ Myers has jumped on Sam Harris and others. I think he’s jealous he’s not more well-known or something. Either way, I got wrapped up in an argument with him because my blog views rocketed and I got obsessed. Satire needs distance to be funny. Too much harsh direct attacking, and the humor, as well as the satiric point, suffer. Saying I’m going to eat ken Ham to point out the absurdity of Christian claims about a-theists having no morals is decent satire. Attacking PZ Myers on a constant personal level isn’t. It was gratifying my anger, but not funny. I wrote a post yesterday that I deleted shortly after because it was just too much. I deleted one today I perhaps shouldn’t have. It was about inappropriate insults. One was about PZ, but I could’ve generalized it. I’ll rewrite it. Over the top foul insults are OK to write about. Not to act out, but to discuss and laugh at, they’re fun. It’s a game I played in improv classes called “one up”. You try to one up the last person by coming up an insult more inappropriate than the one they did. Any way, live, learn, grow. But as for PZ, I’ve no respect for someone with so much intelligence who behaves like he does. It’s sad.
LikeLike
Now I get it completely. I wasn’t quite sure.
That aside, the Joseph interview is a great piece especially since we have been waiting for so long for a word from the cuckolded husband
LikeLike
Thanks. Over on PZ’s site, which I visited once only, links to my posts on him were showing up, as well, I think as re posts of some. If the one I deleted the day before yesterday was posted or linked there by my friend from here, I’ve no doubt why he was banned from posting there. Retrospect gives us a different view than when we’re in the thick of something. I was offered money to continue writing attacks on PZ and thus continue the downward spiral into tasteless name calling. Easy to get wrapped up in this shit. I was flying head on into it. Another reader pointed this out to me, and I’m glad he did. Bottom line is, I want to make people laugh. Rage isn’t funny. It’s addictive and hard to stop once going, but, like I said, retrospect is a good teacher if you let it be.
LikeLike
it’s you stopped when you did. They say you should stop when you are still ahead
LikeLike
Indeed. It is a shame PZ Myers doesn’t grow up and get the same point. Never would Sam Harris, Richard Dawkins, or even William Craig Harris, resort to trolling for scraps on the internet to feed their OCD for anger ridden online chatter. What a disgrace Myers is. Oh, well. Off to poke fun at Ken Ham.
LikeLike
Which bagel shop did the step father of God go to? I was partial to Daniel’s on Second Avenue. Did he at least bring you a good bagel? Be careful what you say. The fights New Yorkers have about bagels can make the PZ brouhaha look like nothing. You might be better off sticking to humans.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m not sure which one it was, but it was delicious. PZ stuff is over but for a nicely embedded dig here and there I’ll toss out now and then. He was greatly helpful in bumping up my blog views. Though I wouldn’t be surprised he forced his followers to drink poisoned cool-aid one day. I only was aware of him through his rep as a troll who attacked Sam Harris and others. I understand at one point he was a credible human.
LikeLike
I’m always a fan of backstories! Great that you were able to interview Joseph after all these years of his silence 🙂 We hadn’t heard a peep out of him since Jesus was born, but thanks to you, now we know why 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nice guy too. Looks like Brad Pitt a little.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah I noticed that 🙂
LikeLike
Man. Maybe he IS Brad Pitt. Shit! I should’ve gotten an autograph!
LikeLike