In a story sure to shock children and grown ups alike, Santa has declared he’s become a staunch conservative and joined the Tea Party of America. He also said he was forced to fire half of his staff because of issues pertaining to Obama Care and Liberals in general.
“Look,” said Santa, “I’m running a business up North here, not a friggin’ soup kitchen. Obama Care clearly is not designed to help conservative, white business owners, such as myself, increase their profit margins. And if a law hasn’t been created to help you, then it’s been created to hurt you and must be eliminated. President Bush and Darth Vader taught me that. It’s because of Obama and his Liberal hordes that I fired hundreds of elves, reindeer, and snow-men yesterday. I couldn’t fire Obama, and I couldn’t fire his Liberal hordes, but I could fire my own workers who live hand-to-mouth and desperately needed their jobs, so I did. It made me feel good too, seeing the kind of power I wield over people. It temporarily satiated the hatred and anger I have for Obama and Liberals.
In a twisted kind of way, I actually hurt THEM by hurting the people they’re most concerned with helping. Oh, BTW, I feel totally at ease admitting these things publicly, too. Because, you see, I’m Santa, and I represent the greatest holiday in the history of Capitalism, Christmas. Nothing I can ever do or say will stop people from spending money and filling my pockets at this time of year. Nothing. People may hate me for my political beliefs and devious business practices, but it won’t prevent them from telling their kids ‘Santa’s coming soon, and he’s bringing lots of presents!’ Presents your parents spent their hard-earned money on kiddies! Keeping Santa fat and rich! God bless America! I fucking love you!”