In a story sure to shock children and grown ups alike, Santa has declared he’s become a staunch conservative and joined the Tea Party of America. He also said he was forced to fire half of his staff because of issues pertaining to Obama Care and Liberals in general.
Santa Firing Hermie The Elf
“Look,” said Santa, “I’m running a business up North here, not a friggin’ soup kitchen. Obama Care clearly is not designed to help conservative, white business owners, such as myself, increase their profit margins. And if a law hasn’t been created to help you, then it’s been created to hurt you and must be eliminated. President Bush and Darth Vader taught me that. It’s because of Obama and his Liberal hordes that I fired hundreds of elves, reindeer, and snow-men yesterday. I couldn’t fire Obama, and I couldn’t fire his Liberal hordes, but I could fire my own workers who live hand-to-mouth and desperately needed their jobs, so I did. It made me feel good too, seeing the kind of power I wield over people. It temporarily satiated the hatred and anger I have for Obama and Liberals.
So I’m A Prick. Wadda Ya Gonna Do About It?
In a twisted kind of way, I actually hurt THEM by hurting the people they’re most concerned with helping. Oh, BTW, I feel totally at ease admitting these things publicly, too. Because, you see, I’m Santa, and I represent the greatest holiday in the history of Capitalism, Christmas. Nothing I can ever do or say will stop people from spending money and filling my pockets at this time of year. Nothing. People may hate me for my political beliefs and devious business practices, but it won’t prevent them from telling their kids ‘Santa’s coming soon, and he’s bringing lots of presents!’ Presents your parents spent their hard-earned money on kiddies! Keeping Santa fat and rich! God bless America! I fucking love you!”
The Arm Chair Pontificator 
Honestly, why your blog hasn’t gone viral yet is beyond me! It’s not only funny as fuck, it’s satire at its finest and a must read for anyone who still thinks people check in to motels because they have bibles on the nightstand…
The aim of my blog happens to be to get 3-4 billion followers and then take over the world. When that happens, I’ll force Bill Maher to employ you…I’ll even make him wear a dress and dance for you if that happens to be your thing.
Seriously, I currently have only a handful of followers (just like Jesus back in the day), but whenever possible I’ll refer them to your ‘gospel’.
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Hey, man. Thanks. I’d love for it to go viral. I’m just gonna keep away at it. It grows a little every day. Please do refer all you can. Your compliments are greatly appreciated and encouraging. I’m glad I’ve got this wit to wield as a weapon, because I tell you, I’m so fucking sick of the hate-mongering anti-gay, anti-Obama, anti-nonJesus lover bullshit I listen to all the time I want to explode. It makes me BURN, man! BURN!! Hee Haw!!!
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Well, you’ve seemed to find a decent outlet for your anger (understandable anger I should add). I think blogging and eating babies are the best way to cope with theist stupidity these days..
Too bad I suck at internet marketing; I know it’s difficult driving traffic to your site, but I’ll refer (twitter/facebook and occasional blog post) to yours frequently.
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Thanks. Ya, I’m getting the idea that internet marketing is a beast unto itself which a Christian flesh eater like me knows nothing about. Damn it all! BILL MAHER, where are you!!???
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Well, a few weeks ago my site had a post entitled ‘God has titties’ which has gotten way more views than my posts usually get (guess it goes to show what keywords people use when they’re surfing the net;))…I was thinking of maybe linking it on some Christian forums/websites. Haven’t gotten around to it yet, but I’m sure your posts will get some ‘awesome’ responses from that…if you don’t mind kicking Christianity in the balls that is…
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I get a few battle seeking soldiers from the army of Christ attempting to draw me in to a war with them now and then but, like a wise man once wrote, “I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!”
― William Shakespeare.
I decided not to engage in any verbal barbs with theists on this or any blog. I’d rather eat a Christian than run on a fucking hamster wheel with one hell bent on trying to show me God simply MUST exist because of some idiotic masturbatory ontological argument they insist PROVES god is real beyond any conceivable doubt. Odd how god is always specifically the CHRISTIAN god in these arguments too and not an unspecific all-powerful guy. I’m sure I could fire up a shit storm on those Christian forums, but I really do this for my own sanity more than anything else. Place to put anger creatively onto a page and make people laugh.
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Then I’d say: mission accomplished!
Let’s hope the world finds out about it soon!
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Once the fucking Nobel Committee gives me MY FUCKING AWARD, the whole world will quake in envy of my pontificating on shit! Amen! Praise be the Holy Spirit! Or something to that effect. And brother, thanks again for your kind words. I’ll remember you when I’m seated at the right hand of my father.
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